Thoughts Along The Way

Silence

2010-05-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

Let me just start by saying that there is great irony in the title of this entry. Silence. I initially wanted to call this silence because it has been so long since I have written in here. I suppose you could call it blog silence. I have not written in here or anywhere else for quite a while. There has been silence, or maybe absence, in some areas of my life.

The irony is that in the midst of that "silence" my life has been full of noise. The noise has been very literal at times, and figurative, yet no less powerful, at other times. Since the new year began, I have changed job responsibilities abruptly, had sick kids a lot, recovered from my own surgery and illnesses, gone through many emotional ups and downs, wrestled with the future, and enjoyed a lot of great moments with my family.

The noise has been both good and bad. It has been encouraging and challenging. Yet for a person that is a natural introvert, the noise gradually builds from sound bites here and there to a constant roar that consumes me. It is the noise of students at work that need so much help in their lives. It is the noise of social media grasping for my attention to make sure I don't miss what is going on in the life of a person I kind of know through an acquaintance. It is the noise of children who want me to delight in them and celebrate their every action. It is the noise of decisions and future plans. The noise of budgets, income, and bills. Everything competes for a bit of my time and attention.

Noise isn't a bad thing. I think that I just find myself getting so overwhelmed by noise at times that I forget to carve out time for being quiet. Time to sit and do nothing. Time to write. Time to read a book that isn't intellectually stimulating. There is no grand point to all of this. I simply am acknowledging that I have let so much noise into my head and life that I have "silenced" some areas of my life that are very important. How often do we sacrifice what is important for what is immediate? How often do I trade what I value for the many things around me that fight for my attention - demanding that they are somehow vital to my life? Am I just afraid of what I will hear when I am silent?

A New Year

2010-01-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

So 2010 has started. A new year is supposed to bring new expectations, hope, a fresh start, and even an eagerness for life right? Well I woke up today, after only a couple of hours of sleep, exhausted, in pain, and lacking any motivation whatsoever. The truth is that I am kind of at the end of myself.
2009 was a good year by many accounts. There were no great tragedies in my family. My girls continued to grow and learn and change in wonderful and confusing ways. My job changed several times but finally settled into something more predictable. Really, it would appear that I don’t really have anything to complain about.
But 2009 was also a very hard year. It seems like the last four months of the year at least two out of the four of us were sick with something. And sick with kids means even less sleep than normal. I spent much of the beginning of the year wondering if I would get enough hours at work and then when I got more hours, they restructured and eliminated the additional part time job I had been doing. So I spent a couple more months looking for something in addition to the part time teaching that might allow me to keep some resemblance of a normal schedule. Finally, I was offered a part time job at the school that complemented the teaching hours I already had. While it was a blessing, it was also a tiring process.
Really it seemed like last year was a whole bunch of small things that all added up to slowly drain the energy and eagerness from my soul. Job uncertainty, car troubles, sickness, confusion about the future, lack of sleep, tragedies in the lives of distant friends, and many other small things seemed to slowly chip away at my optimism. I like to think of myself as optimistic, but the process of continually fighting to hang on to a positive outlook actually gets tiring at times.
To top it all off, I finished the year with a surgery that hopefully will clear up some of my own health and fatigue issues, but even that turned out to be more of an undertaking than we ever expected. The doctor said that it would be a quick surgery and I might be sore for a few days or a week. What he failed to say was that “sore” meant in horrible pain even with prescription pain killers and that “a few days” really meant a couple of weeks. So my extra time off during the holidays was spent in pain, very drugged up, unable to do many of the things we had hoped to do, and unable to let Jamie rest much.
So why do I bring all this up? Truthfully, I guess I just want to lay it all out as I see it. Moving on from where we are can be nearly impossible if we don’t know where we are at. Last night at the gathering of our church, The Porch, there was a song played by Aaron Espe called “Faith and Doubt” which can be heard here http://www.last.fm/music/Aaron+Espe/_/Faith+and+Doubt. The song expresses some of how I feel right now. Here are the lyrics:

I read that Jesus walked the stormy sea and he pulled Peter up
Said, Man you gotta believe me
And he shared with his disciples
Said, Here’s how to be free
If you asked me I'd say most days
I totally agree
But right now I can't pray, I don't feel like talking to God
I need somebody out there with a little skin on them

When I read that story I heard thunder everywhere
I could hear that boat crashing on the waves
The bow is in the air
And I have respect for Peter who had faith enough to dare
Step out onto the water
While all the others stared
And when hell is on your back,
Sometimes you think you got strength and you say,
Hey Lord, save me, I'm drownin' out here!

But I'm caught somewhere between Faith and Doubt
And I feel like I'm never going to find my way back outta here.

Last night I felt free just like I was a kid
So I laid in the grass and thought of all the things I did
When I didn't know of pressure it was easy to forgive
You didn’t have to be perfect
Not in my neighborhood
I don’t know what year things became so unclear but I’m still here.
But I’m caught somewhere between Faith and Doubt
And I feel like I'm never going to find my way back outta here.

So as I found myself in tears last night, unable to pray or sing, I simply sat. I cried, not because I had some overwhelming sorrow, but simply because I had nothing else in me. What came out was all that was left in my soul. And in the midst of emptying my soul through my tear ducts, I felt like God said to me that there would again be hope in 2010. Though 2009 felt like a year of “death” and fighting to hang on, 2010 would be a year that saw hope revived.
So while I admit that today I am still caught firmly in the cavernous “somewhere” between faith and doubt, I also hold onto the idea that hope will rise again. That just like the spring will bring new flowers and bright colors out of the cold and frozen ground, so maybe God can revive hope in my cold and weary heart. And it is with that last shred of hope that I say to God, “I believe. Help my unbelief.”

Family Pictures

2009-10-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

This summer we had the opportunity to have some amazing photographers and friends of ours take some family pictures of us. I am impressed with them because I know how hard it is to take pictures of kids and actually keep them looking at you the whole time. It gets even more complicated with parents looking at the kids and trying to get them to look as well. Brett and Emily Faulknor were fantastic and did wonderful entertaining the girls and keeping them focused on a hot day for an extended period of time. Not only that, they got some GREAT pictures. So here are a few of them.

Crazy Summer

2009-08-10T09:06:00.001-07:00

This summer has seemed especially crazy to me. Maybe it is life with two young children. Or maybe it is all of the different things we try to pack into the summer months. I think that partially, it is the fact that everyone in the Spokane area is fully aware that winter is coming again, and it is hard to predict how long our activities might be limited by the winter weather. Regardless of the reasons why, this summer has been busy.
Early in July we had the chance to pack up our little car and go on a road trip. We drove about 1800 miles in 9 days, saw most of Jamie's family, spent time with friends in Redding, went on a safari, and spent some mostly sleepless nights in a hotel. It was great to be at the cabin with family and really fun to spend some relaxing days at Trinity Lake. We got to swim, wakeboard, fish, and just enjoy being together. Natalie especially loved the time with family and still talks about her aunts and uncles and cousin Micah all the time. I think her favorite part was having two dogs around though. A lot of times she would just follow Cooper and Bailey around and talk to them and give them hugs and kisses. The girl truly loves animals. We then spent a couple of short days in Redding and really had a good time catching up with some good friends.
Since then, we have been busy enjoying the summer back at our house. We had some friends visit us from Redding a couple weekends ago and it was a special treat to spend time with Derrick and Danielle twice in the same month. Plus Natalie loved playing with Judah and Zoe and now she wants us to get her some transformers, since Judah had some that he played with a lot. After they left, both girls came down with a ridiculous throat virus that causes a severely painful sore throat so that they did not want to swallow anything - including their own saliva. We had to force them to drink to stay hydrated and mostly they just cried because of the pain and the high fever as well. Thankfully they are mostly healed from that now.
In the last few days, Kaia has pretty much decided that she is going to walk. A few days ago she would take a step or two before falling, but now she is often going most of the way across a room before falling. She is a determined little girl and progressing rapidly. It is crazy to see two little girls walking around our house now!
So that is a brief synopsis of the things happening in our world this summer. More to follow, including deep and profound thoughts. I just need to find someone willing to share those thoughts with me first...

The Truth

2009-06-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

Brownie bear was my favorite stuffed animal when I was growing up. He was the one stuffed animal that I slept with every night for years. In fact, his right arm is permanently bent downward form where it was tucked under my left arm. On the other side, his left arm is curved upward from where I would grip it with my left hand and pull him close to me. His face is also lopsided from me laying on him for years. His ears are worn down and he has boots that my grandma sewed on after his feet got holes. He also has a hand knit sweater that my grandma made him. Consider yourself officially introduced to Brownie bear.

For several months now, Natalie has had Brownie on her bed, along with a plethora of other animals, when she sleeps. We have told her repeatedly to be careful with him since he is very old and he used to be Daddy's bear. The other day, Jamie went into Natalie's room after a nap and found Natalie quite concerned about Brownie bear. You see, Brownie's arm had come out of his sweater. Natalie has tried to take the sweater off before, but we asked her to leave it on so it doesn't get lost, or stretched out, etc. Anyway, Jamie asked Natalie how Brownie's arm came out of his sweater and Natalie said " I don't know". Jamie then asked if Natalie had taken it out of the sweater to which Natalie replied, "I'm a little baby, I can't tell you the truth."

What in the world kid?

Glimpses of Life Right Now

2009-05-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Kaia is crawling. That is enough to keep anyone busy. She started crawling a few weeks ago and ever since then, she is a speedy little kid who loves to crawl over to all the things she isn't supposed to get into and try to steal a few glorious moments of forbidden pleasure. For instance, she loves to suck and chew on shoes. As you can imagine, that is not the most sanitary of practices, so we have been hiding our shoes lately. She also loves to crawl to the book shelf and pull books off of it before we can get to her. She doesn't seem to want to play with them, just pull them off the shelf. She is a very determined and curious little girl.
Natalie isa walking now. Ok, she has been walking for well over a year and a half. She is still an incredibly intelligent little girl who has started asking the "why" questions a lot more. She is eager to understand why we tell her to do things, or not do them. She is curious about what we are doing and why we are doing it. The most impressive thing to me though is her large vocabulary and her articulate way of communicating. She sommunicates really well with kids who are several years older than herself, so it actually makes it hard for them to understand that she is not close to them in age. We find that older kids often treat her like an older kid herself. This creates some issues when they expect her to understand certain things that are beyond the grasp of a two year old. She does really good though for the most part. It must be hard being so smart sometimes!
One of our favorite things in the world lately is to see our daughters interact and make each other laugh. It is so great to see them light up and smile with pure joy when they play together or see each other first thing in the morning. We have learned though, that Kaia laughs at just about everything that Natalie does. That includes when Natalie is a bit rough with her. Yesterday, Jamie heard the girls both laughing and giggling a lot and when in the other room to see what was so funny. It turns out that Kaia was laying on her back and Natalie had laid on top of her with her arms and legs spread out like superman! I guess it is good that Kaia finds that sort of thing funny, we just have to be careful because it encourages Natalie to play rough. I mean seriously Kaia, don't laugh at your sister when she is hitting you, kicking you, or pushing you over - it just makes our job that much harder.
Anyway, that is a glimpse of our life right now with two wonderful girls.

Bad Drivers

2009-05-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what the real cause is, but it seems like there are a lot more bad drivers around this area than there used to be. Maybe my memory is being too generous with the past. Or maybe more people are just trying to drive while texting on their cell phones. Then again, maybe people are just truly as clueless about traffic rules as they appear to be.
When we lived inthe Philippines, the traffic appeared to be chaos at first. Yet after observing it for a while, it started to become clear that there was a definite system at work. It was very different from what I was used to, but since everyone seemed to be using that same system it worked. When I started driving there, it became even more clear. What appeared to be chaos was just a very fluid system of give and take - kind of like water flowing down a hill and finding the path of least resistance.
Coming back to the United States was an adjustment at first. I still slowed down for green lights in case traffic just decided to go on a red light. I found myself slightly more aggressive in my driving habits at times. Also, my awareness of motorcycles increased greatly. I gradually settled back into the "system" that we have in place here where people are expected to obey the laws, merge safely, and actually pay attention to lane lines. the problem seems to be that there are a handful of people trying to mix the two different systems. The vast majority of people here try to follow the laws but the ones that don't, either purposefully or because they are oblivious, create some serious safety issues. So for now, let me just express a few of my frustrations specifically.

Four way stops: Please learn the "right-of-way" concept! The first person to arrive is the first person to go. If two cars arrive at the same time, the person on the right goes first. It really should not be that hard. I mean the term "right-of-way" actually has the word "right" in it.

Merging on the Freeway: When you merge with traffic you are actually supposed to look and see if there are cars already in the lane. You can't just drive onto the freeway without even looking at the existing traffic in the nearest lane. Another key to merging is to be going close to the speed of the traffic on the freeway. It is NOT good to come to a near stop and wait for an opening to try and get in.

Turning: When there are multiple turn lanes, the car in the inside turn lane is supposed to turn into the nearest lane.

Changing lanes: When you need to change lanes, put on your turn signal and gradually merge into the next lane when there is an opening. It is NOT safe to just stop in the middle of a four lane road and put your turn signal on hoping that traffic will stop and let you in.

I suppose that is enough complaining for now. I think I just expected to feel at least as safe on our roads as I did in the Philippines, but I often find myself more frustrated and nervous here than I usually did there. Driving is for real, take it seriously.

Anomalies of Parenting

2009-05-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when kids get to bed later than normal, and are more tired than normal, they seem to sleep worse?

How does Natalie hear me so accurately when I mumble something (sometimes not appropriate) under my breath, but she fails to hear me speak the words "no" or "stop" when she is right in front of me?

How do my girls test every last piece of my patience and yet manage to completely melt my hear with one look or sometimes a few words?

How can someone so small and seemingly helpless teach me so much about myself, life, and what is important? I thought I was supposed to teach them?

Reading

2009-04-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

The other day Natalie brought out a couple of Curious George books while I was sitting in the living room with Kaia. I asked her if she wanted me to read them to her and she emphatically told me that SHE was going to read them to ME. So I sat back as she opened "Curious George Goes Camping". Keep in mind that we have only had this book for about two weeks and we might read it to her once a day or occasionally twice. Natalie started on the first page and "read" it word for word! I was surprised but I figured that maybe she had the first page or two memorized, but after that she would just make something up while looking at the pictures. The crazy thing is that she turned each page and told me exactly what each page said with the exception of a word here and there. I am pretty sure she can't truly read yet, but she had the whole story memorized word for word! By the time she was at the end of the story I could hardly congratulate her enough...I was just so amazed. But I guess Natalie has always had a really good memory.
But who knows, maybe she is starting to read. The week before Easter, a local church came to hang fliers on our door knob telling us about their Easter services. I grabbed the flier and set it on the table where Natalie found it. She picked it up and asked me what it had on it. I told her it was words and asked her if she could tell me what words it had on it. She said "God". OK, I figured she just made a guess, and as coincidence would have it, it was a church flier that DID actually have the word "God" on it. So I asked her where the word "God" was and she pointed directly at it! This kid amazes me and kind of scares me already.

Camels

2009-04-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

About a week ago we decided to take the scenic route home from town. We drove out through the countryside where I grew up and decided to go past a farm where the owner has collected and bred exotic animals for several decades now. While there was not a lot of animals there this time, we did get to see a couple camels and a cute "little" camel that looked like it had been recently born.
Natalie liked seeing the camels, but I did not realize that she remembered the event so well since it was pretty short. Well, this weekend we went to my parents house for Easter. The first morning we were there, four elk walked through my parent's yard pretty close to their house. As we all looked out the window and watched them, Natalie said, "look at the camels." So there may not be many wild camels just outside Seattle, but at least she has a good memory and associated them with a similar animal.

Potty Training

2009-04-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

So we are starting the gradual process of potty training with Natalie. It has definitely been a gradual process as we are trying to encourage her to tell us when she needs to go to the bathroom but she often doesn't say anything. So we have started to try to find ways to motivate her. We will cheer for her, clap, sing songs, and tell her how proud we are when she does use the toilet and that seems to help a bit, but so far the most effective motivator is if we give her a hanful of M&M's every time she goes to the bathroom in the toilet.
Well a couple weeks ago we were at some friends house when we noticed that Natalie had followed one of their daughters into the bathroom and was standing right in front of her watching her go to the bathroom. Jamie rushed in to tell Natalie that we needed to let her have her privacy. The other girl was about four or five years old so I would guess that she has been potty trained for a while. When Jamie told Natalie to leave the bathroom and let her be alone Natalie looked up hat her and said very sincerely, "But I am just so proud of her!" As Jamie held back her laughter and started to pull Natalie out of the bathroom, Natalie broke out in a cheer and said , "Yay!" and started clapping for her.
Well I guess we have at least been successful in teaching her that going to the bathroom in a toilet is something to be celebrated...now we just have to teach her the appropriate time for celebrating and the people to celebrate with!

Going on a Date

2009-03-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

So last week Natalie started asking more about times when Jamie and I would go out on a "date". So we decided it was time for me to take her on a date. I have taken her out to do special things before, but this one was actually called a "date".
So Natalie got all dressed up in a pretty dress, put on some make up, and borrowed a pretty necklace from Jamie. Then we left for our date. We headed to a pet store for the first stop. While we were driving there, Natalie asked me when we would get to the date. I told her that we were already on the date but she quickly corrected me saying, "no we're not on a date, we're on the road". Ok, so the concept of a date as an event might be a ways off. She actually asked me that several times throughout the night.
So the pet store was fun, and she had a great time walking around a large glass tank, chasing a tortoise. She also like the tarantula and the birds a lot this time. In fact, she told me that when she was older she was going to get a pet bird so that she could "throw it up to the ceiling and it could fly all around and around and around and around." Maybe I will just get her a hamster.
After the pet store, we went to dinner at IHOP to get some pancakes. She was very polite and after I had ordered our food she looked at the waitress very pleadingly and said, "please can I have some pancakes?" Apparently she did not realize that I ordered her food as well as my own. Either way it was very cute. then to finish off the night, we went to a store down the road and bought her a magnifying glass. She had seen one somewhere and liked them, so I got one for her to play with.
It was a fun date, but the best part was at dinner when she just leaned her head into me and said "I love you daddy." That is what it's all about. She can make my heart melt like none other.

Sickness, sleep deprivation, and bad dreams

2009-02-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

So we have all been sick off an on for a few weeks now and seem to be passing around the colds and recycling them in our house. It is a miserable version of the cold that settles in your chest and gets you all congested in their so that you cough and sound like you are trying to cough up a wet rag. Anyway, that has led to less sleep than normal (it is possible) and long nights. Last night was actually a "good" night in my opinion because I was only up 6 times, and only one of those lasted more than 15 minutes.
The most interesting part of the night though was when Natalie woke up screaming. I went in her room and she was crying and saying something about holding hands with Grover from Sesame Street. Apparently she had a bad dream that involved Grover, her, and her having to let go of his hand. It breaks your heart to have your child wake up from a nightmare, but at the same time, it is hard not to laugh out loud when she tells you what the scary dream was. I held it together though and managed to pray with her and rub her head until she was almost asleep again.
Oh, the joys of everyday life!

Politics and a 2 Year Old

2009-01-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

So on Tuesday morning, the day of President Barack Obama's inauguration, we decided to flip on the TV and watch what we could of the event. Natalie was a bit disappointed that she didn't get to watch Curious George, so I tried to explain to her that on that day, Barack Obama was becoming our president so we wanted to watch. Shortly after that conversation, I had to leave for work. Then, just a few minutes after I had left, Natalie walked out of her room and came right up to Jamie and said "Barack Obama is coming over today and bringing presents!". If only it could all be that simple - Barack Obama and presents, at our house.

The Slide

2009-01-07T09:13:00.000-08:00

Just a little video of Natalie having fun in the snow!

What a Winter

2009-01-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

So the snow just keeps coming. We keep breaking records. Now, on top of all that, it has warmed up abnormally fast and the warm weather is coming with a lot of rain. For those not familiar with snow, it acts like a sponge with rain. Roofs are collapsing, streets are flooding, many schools are still closed and unable to reopen after the Christmas break. Crazy. But I am having fun. Here is an article from the national news.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090107/ap_on_re_us/spokane_snow_blues

It Just Keeps Coming!

2008-12-30T13:11:00.001-08:00

So I guess God really wanted to bless me with a serious winter since I haven't had a "real" one in almost a decade. I keep telling Jamie that this is not normal and that she does not need to worry, but the snow just keeps on coming every couple days and we just keep breaking one record after another!

So my last blog was written after a few inches of snow fell. Well that first storm was a record breaker in that it dropped almost 20 inches of snow in a 24 hour period to register as the highest in a 24 hour period since they started keeping records here in 1893. the storm didn't stop after 24 hours though and we accumulated over two feet. We then got a break long enough to shovel our driveways before the next round of snow hit. A couple days later, we broke a record for the coldest temperature on record at this time of year with -18 degrees Fahrenheit (-28 Celsius), which drops to a wonderful 30-35 below with the windchill factor. It did begin to warm up after that, but the snow hasn't really stopped for longer than a day. After yesterdays 9+ inches, w have broken another record for the most snowfall in one month with 59.7 inches as of yesterday! That is almost six feet of snow in December alone and we still have another storm coming in the next day or so before the month ends!

I have definitely enjoyed the snow and had a blast playing in it with Natalie. Jamie is enjoying it when she doesn't have to drive anywhere. I have a few pictures from the first big storm and I hope to get more soon, but I have been busy shoveling our driveway and our roof (to prevent collapse) in my spare time. As of yesterday, I had to climb on top of the pile I have shoveled next to our driveway and shovel the top of it down further because it gets hard to throw a shovel full of snow any higher than about seven feet up, which is where the pile is right now. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Think I am exaggerating...here's the proof - http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008571893_spokane30m.html

Let it snow!

2008-12-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of people here that are complaining about the snow we are getting right now, but let me just say that I love it! It has been nearly a decade since I have lived in a place that actually has a winter, and I have missed it greatly. Currently it is snowing steadily and we have probably gotten 3-4 inches in the last 6 hours and it is predicted to last until late tomorrow.
Anyway, I just thought I would make it clear that I enjoy the snow, I am loving it, and despite the crazy conditions for driving, I am thrilled to live in a place with real winter again! Hopefully I can take some pictures and get them up in a few days.

Immanuel

2008-12-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

As Christmas approaches this year, we find ourselves exhausted, weary, and battered. Now for many people, that is just what the busy time of year does to them, but thankfully we have not been too busy with Christmas stuff this year. For us, the combination of moving, being sick, and having two kids that don't really like to sleep has caused our present condition. Shortly after we moved, I started to get better from my ear infection and sinus infection, Natalie also started to get better from her ear infection and then Jamie started having a ton of pain in her back (unrelated to the pain from our car accident a few weeks earlier). Come to find out that it is a pretty bad kidney infection that so far the medicine has been unable to kill. Between several trips to the doctor, an IV in her arm, and many painful sleepless nights we started to get really tired. Then, a few days ago, Natalie again came down with a pretty high fever and she has not slept more than 20 to 25 minute chunks for the last few nights. Wow.

If I am honest, I wonder how we will get through each day. Yet in the midst of this all, I am reminded of Christmas. Why does this remind me of Christmas? Let me try to explain.

We sing Christmas carols about a "silent night" and how "away in a manger...no crying he (Jesus) makes", but I just have a hard time thinking that is quite how it happened. Mary and Joseph had traveled on a long journey to a town that was not their own. Upon their arrival, they had to bed down in a barn (not known for their comfort) and give birth to a baby. Now I have no proof of this, but my guess is that Jesus did cry. My guess is that he woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to eat, and that he needed his diaper changed (ok I don't think he probably had diapers like ours, but still...). So for Mary and Joseph, that first Christmas was likely a stressful time. They were traveling slowly on foot and by donkey, they were sleeping in a barn, and after being wearied by their travels, they had to welcome a baby into the world. There is nothing more wonderful than welcoming your child into the world, but there is also nothing more challenging and at times frustrating than trying to care for a crying baby who can't communicate all that well and requires constant attention. That is stress that I can relate to right now.

On top of all this, Mary and Joseph probably had a fair amount of stress from their social situation as well. Even today, in our more "tolerant" society, a young woman who becomes pregnant outside of marriage is often looked down upon. How much more then, in the jewish culture of their day. Imagine Joseph trying to explain to family, friends, or the teacher in his synagogue that he wanted to marry this pregnant woman who wasn't carrying his baby. I can imagine the disbelief as he tried to explain who the father was. My point is that not meeting the expectations of others socially can be quite stressful too.

Now I know that it is a few years later in the story, but not long after Jesus' birth, his parents were forced to flee to Egypt to protect Jesus' life. So they loaded up the UHaul and drove down the highway to Cairo and moved into a nice condo downtown. Oh wait, I don't think that is quite how it worked back then. They had to start over - new friends, new home, new work. Again, stressful.

In the end, I am encouraged by the fact that Jesus came in the midst of a stressful situation, to people with some pretty big challenges. And the truth is that their circumstances did not immediately get easier. In fact, one could say that that got more challenging. I mean if it weren't for Jesus, they wouldn't have had to flee to Egypt right? Anyway, the point is that Jesus came and yet that did not mean that Mary and Joseph got a free ticket to an easy life. What they got, was Jesus' presence in their lives. But isn't that how Jesus was all throughout his life? His followers didn't exactly have it easy, but they had him. Jesus comes to us in our messy lives and he doesn't ever promise take away all the challenges we are facing, he simply offers himself and his presence, which changes us more often than it changes our circumstances.

So in the midst of our current stress, frustration, exhaustion, and illnesses, I find myself clinging to the fact that Jesus was and is Immaneul - God with us. I will admit, I would love to have our circumstances change. In fact, I can't wait for them to change. But I can find comfort in the fact that Jesus came in the midst of very challenging circumstances 2000 years ago because I trust that he still comes in the midst of challenging circumstances. While the circumstances themselves may not change any time soon, I know that God is with us, and I pray that even if he chooses not to make things easier for us that He will change us and that he will give us the strength we need to face each day. Maybe someday, years from now, we will sing songs about our "silent night" because we remember the good that came from it and not only the challenges that made it so hard at the time.

Moving

2008-11-17T09:22:00.000-08:00

I don;t know how the pendulum has swung so far to this side of things, but alas, here we are. I lived in the same house with my family from the time I was born until I went to college. We never moved once, and I didn't even have to move out of my bedroom. Since going away to college, I have lived in 9 different places. Since Jamie and I have been married, we have lived in 6 or 7 (depending on who's counting) different places in a little over 4 years. Now...we are moving again. Thankfully this will not involve hundreds of miles, a new town, and a new job - but it is still a lot of work nonetheless.
On top of the move in the next few weeks. We got rear ended last week and Jamie is still in a significant amount of pain (back and neck), she is sick with a fever for some reason, I have a horrible head cold that feels like my head is giving birth to a water buffalo, we have to try and get the car fixed, Jamie just started working again, We have a 7 week old daughter who is not good at sleeping, and we have an almost 2 year old daughter who is decent at sleeping but makes the days challenging since she is now learning boundaries. So between very little sleep for more than a month, a daughter pushing the limits on just about everything, and feeling horrible, we are pretty stressed out.
Such is life sometimes I guess. I am just glad that I love my girls so much. There is nobody else that can drive me so crazy and yet make my heart melt and laugh the next moment.

Things I Don't Want to Forget About Natalie

2008-10-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

When Natalie climbs onto a chair while it is still under the table - thus getting stuck and crying because she is in a kneeling position wedged between the chair and the table.

Shortly after putting Natalie to bed the other night we heard loud shouting from her room. It didn't quite sound like crying but I was not sure what it was, so I went in to find out. She proceeded to sing "Happy birthday to you daddy. Happy birthday to you". (It wasn't my birthday, but it made my heart melt).

How much Natalie likes to hold her sister Kaia "by self", meaning by herself. She gives her kisses, snuggles with her, and sometimes tickles her too.

How much Natalie likes to sing and dance.

How much fun it is to chase and tickle Natalie.

The way Natalie says "wawer" instead of water.

How excited she gets when she sees the moon. she just loves to look for it and is always disappointed if it is not out or it is too cloudy to see it.

How much she loves to run when we are outside - and how often her running is accompanied by her saying "corre Natalie, corre Natalie"! Plus, when she runs, it is often only her left arm that pumps vigorously, while the other one just flops around at her side.

Natalie is quite smart already, and when we went to the store the other day, she asked for a peppermint because I sometimes share a peppermint with her after a trip to the store. Since we had already had a treat that day, I told her that we wouldn't get a peppermint. she promptly said, "Natalie want peppermint. Help stomach feel better". She is already feigning illness to try and get what she wants!!!

Kaia Louise Williams

2008-09-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

Kaia was born on the 24th at 3:40 in the morning. She weighed 7 lbs 15 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. She has pretty much slept most of the time since then, which is a wonderful answer to prayer. Jamie and natalie on the other hand, have hardly slept at all, so if you think of it, pray that they would sleep.

More Fun With Natalie

2008-09-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed kids. But to be completely honest, I feel more comfortable with kids as they get a bit older and can interact more. I have had a lot of fun with Natalie as she has grown up from a screaming helpless newborn, but I have to say that I am enjoying it more each day as I get to play with her, make her laugh, listen to her sing and talk about anything and everything, and just interact with her more. The other day we went to a park nearby and I had fun taking some pictures of her. I finally figured out a way to get her to smile a bit more "normal", but I enjoy her open mouth grin with eyes closed too.

Anyway, I just have fun being her dad. She is talking so much now. Yesterday when I walked in the house after work she looks at me with a very serious look and a furrowed brow and says "Natalie wants to color REAAAAALLY bad". She kept repeating this for several minutes until we got out the coloring book and I sat down to color with her. You just never know what to expect.

Laughter

2008-09-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

As stressful and tiring as parenting can be at times, having a child around also brings a great deal of laughter. There are so many moments where Natalie just makes me laugh a good deep belly laugh and I love it. It is a good break from the seriousness of life.

Last night she was taking a bath and she had some gas that resulted in bubbles suddenly bursting around her. Well, she looks at Jamie and I and we laugh at the surprised/amused look on her face, which I am sure she interpreted as approval because she starts grunting and and doubling over. This soon results in more bubbles and more laughter. Keep in mind, Natalie is only 21 months old, so she has yet to master the art of controlling her bodily functions. Thus after a few times of pushing and bubbles and laughter - she strains so hard she pushes out a nice pellet of poop! Oh, the joys of bathing a child...

Then there was the night a few weeks ago when she woke up at 2:30 in the morning (not at all unusual for her) and I went in to pray with her and put her back to sleep. As soon as I walked in the room, she says "ice cream?" What in the world kid? It is the middle of the night and we are both half asleep, but you are asking for ice cream? I couldn't help but laugh out loud even if I was half asleep.

A couple days ago, she woke up early from a nap, so I told her to try and sleep a little longer and then I left the room. A few minutes later, I hear her on the monitor singing! She was singing twinkle twinkle little star as good as she could, which sounds a bit like this:

twinkle twinkle star

wonder are

up above the world high

like diamond sky

twinkle star

I just had to laugh at how cute she was. Anyway, I have never had anything bring a genuine deep smile to my face so quickly as my child. And speaking of smiles, Natalie has a rather interesting and entertaining way of smiling, but I love it! Here are a few examples.

Politics

2008-09-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

I can't wait for November 17th! Ok, maybe some of the days before that will be nice too, but on that day we won't have to hear who is ahead in this poll or that poll - who is more "electable" - or who is better qualified for the job. Now for anyone that may think I am uninformed, or just don't care about my country, that is just not the case. I am far more informed and aware this election year than I ever have been...but I am also far more tired of hearing all of it.

Let's be honest, both sides are vying for the flag of "change" to fly high over their respective campaigns, but if we are honest enough to take a step back, both sides are twisting words, and attacking the other side with half truths and out-of-context quotes that really are used to deceive the American people not engaged enough to research it more (which is probably a lot of us). Yes, I will end up voting in November. Yes, this is a historic election with a lot of implications for our future as a country. But I am still tired of the constant analysis, counter-analysis, and over-analysis of every move that the politicians take and every breath they breath. Is it really necessary to have an expert on facial expressions analyze the nonverbal signals on Bill Clinton's face during his wife's speech? This and other absurd topics are being discussed as if they might just determine the quality of leadership that ends up in the White House.

I just wish I could hear more about what the candidates want to do for their country and less about what the other guy is doing wrong. Since when did pointing out someone else's flaws make you a better leader? I apologize for venting about this, but it just frustrates me. Too many of us drink in all this media coverage and political speculation like it is the very marrow of life sometimes, but at the end of the day (or the end of the election), we will still have a flawed, human, fallible, and imperfect leader leading our country. We will have plenty of time to be critics after the election. I just wish we could spend more time focusing on the good that they hope to accomplish before the election rather than pointing out how the "other guy" (or girl) is going to singlehandedly drive our nation into oblivion.

And maybe that is just it. We want someone to save us from the mess we are in. We have lots of messes in fact. But no one person can save us from these messes and turn it all around. At least not a political leader. Many of us have high hopes and high expectations for this upcoming election. But no matter who ends up in the oval office, change will not effectively happen from the top down. You can legislate many things to modify and try to guide people's behavior, but you cannot legislate a change in their hearts. A government can try to guide it's citizens as wisely as is possible, but it will not be able to change people's perspectives, their hearts, and the way they interact with others. For me, I think I am just realizing more an more that I have responsibility as well. It is not leaders who will change things in this country, it is people who care and who love others around them. It is not supreme court justices, presidents, or senators who will cause meaningful change in our country, it is us. Sure it may help to have a leader who can give us an example of that and who can inspire us to action, but that does not negate our own responsibility.

There is a lot more I could vent about, but the point is that I am frustrated with politics right now. the world goes on one day at a time and few have the luxury of waiting until November to see if things will change. Few have the years to wait for legislation to be passed so that this "change" each candidate promises can affect their lives. I talk with single mothers who are in hiding because their abusive ex-boyfriends are trying to find them, but they don't have the resources to get away. I work with students who are struggling to learn English, yet in their former countries they were respected lawyers, fashion designers, and businessmen. These people cannot wait for several years to see if the right laws will be passed and they might finally receive some much needed help. They need it now. You can't legislate love. And yes, while it may sound cliche', we need to start truly loving those around us. I hope that we don't get so focused on the "big picture" of our nation that we forget to "be the change that we want to see in the world" (Gandhi). I will finish with a quote from Mother Teresa:

"If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at the one, I will."

In all our arguments and analyses of this election, may we not overlook those in need around us and may we truly be the "change" that so many of us hope for.

The Middle Places

2008-08-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

My main purpose in writing this blog was, from the start, to simply record my thoughts and maybe some things that are going on in my life. Lately, I have felt intimidated as I start to write new entries and then stop writing before I am finished. The truth is that I think I want to write something brilliant or witty, but if I only wanted to capture those moments of my life I would only have one entry per year. Why the pressure? I don't know, maybe it is the fact that I know people will read some of these entries, but the truth is that very few people actually read them anyway. So I will now attempt to get back to the point of this whole endeavor.

Life is filled with ups and downs. It seems that sometimes there are overwhelming ups when everything is going just right and life seems ideal. Then there are the nearly suffocating downs that make you wonder if anything will ever bring a smile to your face again. Yet it seems that most of life is spent in the middle places.
The middle places consist of a mixture of smaller ups and downs that often coincide so that each day can be spent swinging back and forth between joy, confusion, frustration, laughter, and tears. Maybe that is why words often defy me. It is easy to write about the spectacular, but it is hard to write about the ordinary. While I know that some would encourage me to find the spectacular moments in the ordinary days - it is not always an easy thing to do. Even when those moments do come, it is hard to capture them in words when all I want to do is sit and soak them up as much as possible.
My current journey through the middle places has me excited and a little bit scared about having another child in four or five weeks, thankful for a job that I enjoy - working with a unique group of students, and yet discouraged that budget issues are not allowing me to get as many hours in the fall quarter. I am hopeful about a full time position that I have applied for, yet afraid to get my hopes up too much. I am tired of being in pain, yet hesitant to see doctors because of frustration involved with that whole process. I am "homesick" for my family since they are all on the Oregon coast for vacation without us this week, and yet I am thrilled with my immediate family that will soon be getting larger. I am enjoying settling in Spokane again, but I am feeling the itch to be overseas also.
Maybe this is not "normal" for a lot of people, but it seems that my life consists of many fluctuating and varying influences that cause me to spend a lot of time in the middle places of life. In the midst all of this though, I am very thankful for the moments of joy that do get me through the confusion. Moments when I look in the rear view mirror and see Natalie asleep in her car seat with her head drooping lazily down and to the side and her sunglasses her nose and forehead because of their wild angle. Moments when a student I have been working with for months finally reaches a goal and I get to witness their joy. Sometimes it is the way my wife smiles when I walk in the door, and sometimes it is memories of different episodes of "The Office". Last weekend, it was just fun to take Natalie out to the lake and watch her have fun waving at the fish that swarmed around our feet. The look on her face as she worked up the courage to jump off the dock (holding my hands) was amazing.
I love the moments of joy and don't always cherish the times of frustration and stress, but this is life. It is a journey of ups and downs, with some bigger than others. Lately though, it seems that much of my life has been spent in the in between places. There it is...nothing profound...nothing witty or clever, just the reality of life the past few weeks.

Sleep Deprived

2008-08-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Sleep is a wonderful thing! At least that is what I hear. I will let you know how I feel about it when I can experience it for myself...

Natalie has never been a good sleeper. I know, you are probably thinking "what do you expect Jeff, she is a baby?". Well, yes, I understand that there will be some issues from time to time with any child, but she has had more than most. The first 5 months of her life found me often awake with her for several hours in the middle of the night while she cried and screamed. then we transitioned to the point where she would sleep, but it came in spurts of an hour or two and the wake ups lasted for 15 or 20 minutes. Even that doesn't sound too bad if she did it for a long time, but she has never slept very long at night and her naps were even more irregular and short if they existed at all.

Now to be fair - she has improved greatly in the last couple months. In fact, she is probably averaging waking up only 1-3 times a night lately which has been a nice change. But the last three nights she has had a fever and not slept well. Last night I personally did pretty good and probably got a total of about six hours, which is good compared to the 3-4 hours of the previous nights.

So what is my point? I love sleep! It is incredibly challenging on so many levels to function consistently on much less sleep than I would ideally choose. I am exhausted. I look forward to when the next child is born in about 7 weeks because I think it should all get much better with two kids around!

Death of the Bida

2008-07-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

OK, first I need to answer the question "what is a bida?". Well the truth is, it is the word that Natalie has used for her pacifier ever since she could start to talk. I made up my own spelling for it since it is a made up word, but it is pronounced "bye-duh". We have no idea where she got the word from or why it stuck, but that is what it has been for the last 8 months. Yesterday, she suddenly decided to change! Instead of the normal request for her bida, she looked at me in the car and said "paci please". At first I was confused about what she wanted, but soon figured it out. OK Jeff, so what's the point?

No huge point really except to say that it caught me off guard and actually made me a little sad. I was trying to figure out why it made me sad and realized that it just felt like she was growing up and getting rid of her "baby" name for the pacifier. I know - who cares. Well I do. It was just one of those small moments when you see your kid growing up and you are so proud and excited and also sad about moving on to another stage.

Maybe it was a small incident and it is a rather uninteresting story admittedly, but it captured that mixed state of emotions that combine nostalgic sadness with proud excitement. I am just kind of emotional about the whole parenting thing sometimes. I used to think it was kind of odd that my grandparents would come to my basketball games, band concerts, etc. and my grandpa would always be crying. I think I am going to be a parent like that who is so proud and happy for my kids but overwhelmed by emotion so that I end up crying at their events and performances. I guess we can just hope that I learn to control it before they are teenagers and prohibit me from coming and crying in public around their friends...

Pictures of my Big Girl

2008-07-24T11:43:00.001-07:00

A Mentor

2008-07-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

I have struggled with how to start this post. Do I try to define what a mentor is? Do I relate my personal experience (most of it frustrating) with trying to find a mentor? Should I talk about why I think mentors are a good thing? Those may all be good things, but I think that what I really want to do is just tell a story of a mentor and friend because the point of this post is not to discuss those other ideas, but to remember a dear friend and mentor.

Jamie and I lived in the Philippines for almost two and a half years. For many reasons that was a crazy and wonderful time in our lives. The greatest part of that experience though, was the people. About five days after we arrived in the Philippines, Greg Dowell came with his truck to help us move from one side of metro Manila ( where we were staying) to the other side (near our school). After loading our stuff into his truck, he offered to let me drive it up to Quezon City (where the school was). Now, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but we had barely recovered from jet lag and traffic in Manila is not anything like traffic here in the USA! Finally, he agreed to drive the truck, but after a lunch stop halfway through the city, he again offered and convinced me to drive. That was a terrifying trip for me the first time I drove in Manila traffic, but Greg seemed to be as calm as ever just chatting away with us.
That was my first experience with Greg Dowell, but I would eventually learn that that event displayed some of the characteristics that would shape our relationship after that as well. Greg was a person that continually encouraged me, and others around him, to step out and try things. Even if they were scary, and even if you were almost guaranteed to fail, he would encourage people to try. If something did end up failing or not working out like we expected or planned, Greg was always a person that would encourage us to try again without hesitation. In a place where just about everything was new and foreign to us, he helped us to face our hesitations and fears and experience life while often walking with us through those adventures.
I really got to know Greg a bit better when I took a class from him at the Graduate School we attended. Greg challenged me to think deeply about the issues we were studying, but he was never one to pressure people into a certain viewpoint. He challenged us, but allowed us room and time to grow and think and form our own opinions.
After we had lived in the Philippines for almost a year, Greg and his wife Stephanie invited us to live with them since we were looking for a place with a bit less pollution. We ended up living with them for almost a year and a half (longer than we have lived anywhere else in our married life). During that time, we got to know them and their three kids that were still living at home like family. But even then, it wasn't just a nice living arrangement. Greg was intentional about talking to me / us about the things that we were learning and thinking about and he included us in the work that they were involved in as well. In short, he not only opened his home to us, he opened his life to us. We would travel to the southern Philippines with him where he often sought our ideas, input, and participation in things that intimidated us and seemed so much bigger than us. Greg would also ask me to breakfast on Saturday mornings when he was available. We would both hop on our motorcycles and ride down the road to Tropical Hut, where we would sit and talk usually for a couple of hours while eating our beef tapa, rice, and eggs.
It's not just that Greg was available to me, it was that he invited me into relationship and encouraged me to take part in the things that he was doing as well. Greg impacted me and changed me not so much with profound words but with a life committed to loving others and sharing the truth of Jesus with them. By sharing himself and taking the time to let me share myself, he helped me grow in ways I am still discovering.
A few weeks ago, Greg passed away after more than a year of ups and downs with cancer. I still don't really know how to respond to all of what happened with him and his family. I guess this is my attempt to briefly remember a person who influenced and impacted my life more than I can say in a simple blog posting. For most of the few people that may read this, Greg is someone you did not know and will not have the pleasure of getting to know. My words don't begin to do him justice, but I just wanted to share that he has been on my heart and in my thoughts a lot lately. Rather than letting the overwhelming feelings of it all keep me in silence any longer, I just wanted to briefly share a bit about a great friend and mentor in my life.

Compassionate Natalie

2008-07-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

Natalie is crazy! Crazy in an amusing and very good way. She is the most compassionate and sympathetic person I have ever known. True, she is a bit emotional and a bit dramatic with a lot of things, but she cares about others in such areal way it amazes me at only 18 months old.
Several weeks ago, my parents came to visit and my mom had a scrape on her leg that was healing up okay but was still very visible. When Natalie saw it, her face became concerned, she started to fake cry, and she kept saying "Nana, cape" - which means Nana has a scrape. Now that may not be too unusual, but every night before bed, we ask Natalie what she wants to pray for, and every night since then, she always wants to pray for Nana's scrape on her "yeg" (leg)!

Like I said, Natalie is a bit dramatic when she "bonks" or gets a scrape, but it is even worse if Jamie or I get hurt. About a week ago, I got a bad sunburn and it hurt to have Jamie put lotion on it. Natalie happened to witness the situation and she just broke down crying and saying "Daddy, owie". We have found that we have to hide it when we stub our toes, or accidentally smash our fingers, etc. other wise we spend several minutes comforting Natalie and assuring her that everything is OK!

The most touching one for me though, was the other day when we were leaving to go somewhere. She asked if she could bring her monkeys in the car for the ride. There are two monkeys that seem to be inseparable most of the time - a brown one and a pink one. We told her that we could take the pink one in the car but none of the other animals. She immediately got a very concerned look on her face, furrowed her brow, and walked over to the stroller where her brown monkey was. Then, in a very cute but heartbreaking voice, she looked at her brown monkey and said "Sowwy...sowwy" (Sorry) and walked over to the door with a very sad look on her face! That was the first time she has said "sorry" at all, and she was sensitive enough to think that splitting her monkeys apart might hurt the brown monkey's feelings.

I guess I am just amazed at how sensitive she is to other people (and stuffed animals) already. I think that God has given her a great deal of awareness and compassion for others. She just amazes me. May God continue to nurture and increase that gift and show her how to use it best for Him!

I shall return

2008-07-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have not blogged in a while. I will be honest – I have been overwhelmed with life and every time I start a blog, I seem to just end up sitting and staring at the computer while I process the things I am thinking about. In about two weeks time, we attended two weddings, and received news of two deaths. It has been turbulent emotionally. Anyway, I just thought that I would put this up and say that I will write again soon…

The Bittersweet Symphony of Life

2008-05-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

We spent this past weekend in the Seattle area visiting friends and family in a whirlwind three day trip. The first day we saw my parents new house that they are building on a very picturesque piece of property in North Bend. I am excited for them and the house will be pretty great when it is all done. After touring the house and standing for about thirty seconds in the ice cold creek behind their house, we headed back to their current apartment and then over to my sister's house for my niece Ella's first birthday. Despite Natalie's emotional breakdown, the day was filled with good times shared with friends and family. We ended the evening just sharing some stories and laughs with my sister and brother in law.
The next morning at church, Jamie and I were both in tears several times as their were many vivid reminders of a good friend of ours with very severe cancer. The signs and test that the doctors have run don't look good at this point. It is a long story, but their family has had an incredibly tiring year emotionally, spiritually and in every other way imaginable. We lived with this family for almost a year and a half when we were in the Philippines and we love them dearly. The rest of the day was good as we were able to again spend time with family. It is hard though, when the pain of loved ones is never far from your mind. the best way to describe it seems to be the words from a song that say "it's a bittersweet symphony this life". Life is a beautiful symphony, but part of what makes it beautiful in the end is the variety and change and the mixture of different sounds and rhythms and notes. Some of the notes by themselves are harsh and even ugly. Many of the moments of a symphony seem disconnected and disjointed like life often does. But we press on with the hope that our God, the great conductor of this symphony knows where the music is taking us and that he knows how all the parts will work together for a conclusion that in the ends creates a beautiful and meaningful experience. Even as some parts enter and leave the symphony at unexpected times, so life is full of relationships that seem to surprise us cause a great fluctuation of emotions.
We also got to share some time with a friend who is in an incredibly hard spot in life. While it is always good to see friends, it is hard to see them hurting. Yet in the midst of the pain we can find reasons to celebrate. To top it off, I got to talk to one of my best friends on the phone - a rare occurrence since he is in Cambodia. It made my heart excited to talk with him, but it was discouraging when our connection ended. While it is a huge blessing to have friends like him, it is hard to be away from them.
This may all be a bit random, but I guess I just wanted to express that I am feeling a bit melancholy today. While there is definitely a lot to be thankful for, my heart aches for those that I love who are experiencing great pain and trials and for those that I love who are simply far away.

Spokane

2008-05-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

So winter finally let go of the area and spring was here for about a week before summer hit! This last weekend was pretty hot (for here) and we enjoyed very summer like weather. It is supposed to cool down and act more like late spring again this week, but it was a nice break after feeling like the winter here would never end. Since the weather warmed up so quick, the rivers were pretty full with runoff from snow melting in the mountains so we went downtown to see the waterfalls. It was fun to see them so full. Here's a few pictures...

We then went to a park for a birthday party and Natalie got to engage in her favorite activity - collecting rocks and playing in the dirt! She made a mess of herself but had fun collecting rocks and going down the slide all by herself.

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T18:01:00.001-07:00

At Manito Park

A great mom and a great little girl!

My wonderful wife and goofy daughter.

Natalie loves looking for rocks and showing us the best ones!

Deal or No Deal

2008-05-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

Right now we are watching Deal or No Deal's tour around the world. Tonight they happen to be in the Philippines. It is fun to watch the show there and to watch as they show a bit of the Philippines in the process. Howie (the host) went to a local SM Supermarket and the store employees danced for him in the store. While that may not be a super common occurrence, the Philippines is the only place in the world where I have seen a marching band playing through a grocery store, a group of midgets in Christmas costumes dancing a choreographed dance in the meat section, and where half of the shoppers sing out loud to the music while they shop!

Let's just say it is making us miss the Philippines. When the models with the cases came on to the show, they were dancing a choreographed dance as well. This may not be that significant to many people, but Philippine game shows ALWAYS involve singing and dancing - often repeated at very regular intervals. The whole crowd was on their feet and dancing until the music stopped as well. They really are a people that love music and dancing. Coming from the rhythmically challenged North America, I miss the frequent sounds of karaoke, and celebration that seemed common in the Philippines. Good times...

And since we are reminiscing about the Philippines, I will throw in a couple more random pictures from there. The first one is a sign on the metal detector in one of the airports. The second one is a public urinal on the streets of Manila.

Circumcision Season

2008-05-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

The past few days I have been reminded of some random experiences from living overseas. I thought that I would write a bit about them in order to share the experiences a bit but also so that I can remember them better in the future.
In the Philippines, there exists a time of the year sometimes referred to as circumcision season. Now I am no expert on circumcision, but I always just thought it happened soon after baby boys were born (if it was going to happen). I was soon to find out though, that even the timing of circumcision is culturally determined. In the Philippines, most boys wait until the age of 12 or 13 to get circumcised. When a young boy reaches the age of 12 or 13 and circumcision season rolls around (April and May if I remember correctly), they partake in a painful experience that can happen many different ways. I will spare you the details, but I will say that I talked with some of my Filipino friends about this and they shuddered as they recalled their trip down to the river to get the job done.
The part that was even more odd for me was that at this time of year, signs would pop up all around Metro Manila advertising "Circumcision Specials" and telling of their wonderful deals on circumcision. While these specials were advertised for about $9 or $10 this is still a large sum in the Philippines and many cannot afford that. Thus "trips down to the river" or some other discreet location near the family home.
By far the oddest part of the whole situation was that some missionaries have found ways to utilize this special season for their own purposes. While it wasn't incredibly common, we did hear of missionaries and churches that would hold an evangelistic event and they would offer free circumcisions in order to attract people to hear their message! Now I have heard of seeker friendly churches, and people who put on concerts or any number of other events to attract people to church or evangelistic outreaches. Just think of the poor boys though - they get dragged to a public event where people are preaching, singing praises to God, and praying for people and they are directed to the back of the crowd in a small room or tent (depending on the venue) and then IT happens! I guess we can just hope that these outreach events are organized by charismatic churches so that the screaming and moaning of teenage boys from the back of the room doesn't disrupt the solemn singing of hymns...
Overall, I am not sure I would want my "conversion" expereince to involve the painful loss of part of my body, but I guess you would at least have people there ready to pray for you! Anyway, I am glad that we perform that procedure under a bit different circumstances, but I suppose even in our culture it can be an uncomfortable and humorous event. I hope that this can motivate you to think about how we "reach out" to others with love in order to share with them the love of God.

She wants to be a beet farmer

2008-04-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

Jamie and I have recently gotten a little bit attached to the TV show "The Office". It is slightly ironic since many of my coworkers at my last job really loved the show but I had never seen it. Thanks to Jamie's sisters (and their husbands) that changed though.
So recently we were watching the episode where Dwight turns the family beet farm into an agri-tourism destination (complete with table making demonstrations and manure fights). This blog really isn't about the TV show though, it is about Natalie. The day after watching that episode, Jamie and I were still laughing about it a bit. As we were talking, Natalie walked up to us babbling her own words and deep in a conversation that we could not interpret. So when she stops, we said, "Oh really. Do you want to be a beet farmer Natalie?" Natalie then cocks her head slightly to the side looking thoughtful and replies "yeah" in the cutest 16 month old voice you can imagine.
I admit, we may be the only ones amused by that, but but it is just one of the many ways that having a young child can be so fun, funny, and entertaining. Thanks for the laughs Natalie!

This Magical Wonderland...

2008-04-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, we embarked on a journey to a faraway magical land near the north pole called "Spokane". We left Redding, California as summer was trying to secure it's gentle choke hold on the area by producing days in the mid 70's with a lot of sunshine. the magical land of Spokane, on the other hand, has been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to fight off winter's icy grip. Yesterday, wonderful little white flakes of snow fell like small bundles of white cotton candy from the circus in the clouds above us. Almost May? Yes, it is almost May, yet the weather here has lately made us think of trading in our front wheel drive car for a dogsled. But the weather hasn't been the only shock...
Our move to this glorious wonderland has brought back some of my youthful fantasies of being race car driver. It's just something about the roads here. My blood begins to pump faster, my sense seem to grow more sensitive, even the hum of the engine seems like music lifting me into the sky! The cars near me swerve and I react with ninja-like quickness to gently guide my racing machine on the safest route. But then...reality hits. Oh wait, we don't call that "reality" we call it really big potholes! As the cars in front of me disappear into the crater of another gigantic pothole, I find myself swerving to avoid the same imminent destruction, yet my car resists me. I grab the steering wheel more firmly and fight with it as if it had a mind of it's own. Is my car possessed? No, that is just the deep grooves worn into the asphalt from months and years of studded tires traveling the same path. It is as if the tire grooves and the potholes are scheming against all cars as the grooves slowly suck you in and direct you straight towards the bone jarring jolt of a pothole. Now for many people this experience may not be that significant, but when you drive a racing machine like mine, you must avoid these potholes at all costs. When I do hit them inadvertently, my driver side door jolts and partially opens, the muffler rattles, the front end of the car feels as if it will disintegrate, and on the rare occasion - my seat belt pops out leaving me completely vulnerable to the onslaught of crash inducing potholes. I guess that's why people around here say that there are only two seasons here - winter and road construction. Speaking of traffic...
The condition of the roads aside, traffic here flows in a rhythm like a great beautiful dance. It is an ebb and flow like the ocean's tide as one wave of cars surges while another recedes. It is a splendorous myriad of colors as dirt covered red and green cars intermingle with the grays, blacks, and dirty-supposed-to-be-whites. An ever changing rainbow that seems to follow some unwritten rule for left turns. But then you realize that there is a piece of the puzzle that is missing...yes, a piece that is common in many other places but only seems to pop up here about as often as a local sighting of Bigfoot/Sasquatch. That missing piece is the green left turn arrow. Jamie kindly pointed out to me that it actually isn't all that normal to have to sit in the middle of the intersection waiting for the oncoming traffic to break for a brief moment so that you can accelerate hard into the left turn to reach your destination. Maybe we have been spoiled in Redding, but there just doesn't seem to be many left turn arrows here. Instead, each stoplight is accompanied by a sign reading "Left turn yield on green".
I realize that I was a bit dramatic in this email, but I just felt like recording a few of the changes we have noticed since moving here a few weeks ago. But now I must go and chase down that elf I just spotted darting through the trees in the candy cane forest across the street...

Diversity

2008-04-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

A friend recently wrote in her blog that being in a place "where people all around us speak a different language, live through a different worldview, and everyday is a new cultural adventure is like air in our lungs and blood in our veins". I know a lot of people that might say she is a bit crazy, or at the very least, that they could never feel the same way. After having lived overseas for several years, and traveling to many places at other times, these words do not sound crazy to me at all. Rather than crazy, they seem very true.
While moving from Redding , California to Spokane, Washington may not necessarily seem like a move to a more culturally diverse place, it has actually been quite interesting already. My job with the community colleges here allows me to frequently interact with ESL students who have moved to this area for various reasons. Maybe Spokane is not the most culturally diverse place, but my job is wonderful because it allows me to interact with what diversity there is around here - and that excites me.
Yesterday, I helped a Mexican, a Serbian, and a Rwandan set up email accounts so that they could email their ESL instructor. They were all asking similar questions in different versions of broken English. The task of trying to understand them each and communicate effectively with them may seem overwhelming to some, but it gave me a strange sense of happiness. It was also fun to know that just behind me, there were Russians, Moroccans, Burmese, Vietnamese, Ukrainian, and several other students working on their assignments at the computers.
The reality is that spending time overseas, especially living overseas, will ruin you. While I blend in here and I can understand almost everything around me, it doesn't quite feel "right". To many people, this is strange, and I admit that it must sound strange for me to say that I miss the days when I could hardly understand any of what was said around me, or why certain things were or were not happening, but it is true. I miss the experience of being enriched by the culture of others. So I guess that is why I am really appreciating the small bit of diversity and culture that I get to experience here. It is limited, but it is wonderful. I guess that is just one of the reasons to be thankful that the door was opened to pursue this new job.
I apologize if this was really random, but I know that there are a handful of people out there that will understand what I am trying to communicate. Since it has been random, I will say that I really want to learn another language someday. Ok, that's all for now.

Confessions of a recovering pack rat

2008-04-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend, we unpacked some more boxes and moved some more to our garage. Though our apartment here in Spokane is larger inside, it has less storage room, so our garage is currently serving mostly as storage. I don't know about anyone else that has moved several times, but as we were unpacking our moving truck, I realized there were several boxes worth of stuff that we haven't unpacked for years. We stored it at one place, moved it, and we are storing it again. I have to admit, that is more a result of my hoarding tendencies than Jamie's more organized personality. But after several moves, it is time to get vicious and say goodbye to some stuff that once seemed so important to save for some reason...
The truth is that much of what I have had a hard time parting with is stuff that is sentimental to me for some reason. Things like a practice football jersey from high school, plaques from competing in the pinewood derby in Cub Scouts, medals from grade school spelling bees, and even notebooks I doodled on in high school and college. I am realizing though, that having them in a box that I never open doesn't really serve the sentimental purpose of saving these items. The rest of the stuff is made up mostly of items that I save mainly because they interest me and I have this nagging fear that if I throw them away I might "need" them someday in the future. Included in this category are things like notes from my college classes (at least the ones that I thought were actually interesting), books that I have never read and don't really plan to but that have intriguing titles, and clothes that I haven't worn in years but who knows...maybe I will want to again.
Moving itself is not something I would recommend incredibly highly, but it does force you to confront the amount of "stuff" that you accumulate. My honest confession is that it kind of makes me sad that I have this much stuff, but at the same time, it may actually be difficult to part with some of it. Oh well, it must go. Is that why I hang on to some of my emotional "stuff" from the past too? Do I think it might come in handy some time? I don't know, but I think that is the topic for another time...it does make me think though...

The Love Of My Life

2008-04-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

Marriage is a wonderful thing. Somehow our culture has managed to get pretty mixed up, and marriage is often viewed as a burden, or something to be dreaded. Don't get me wrong, marriage has its hard times for sure, but it can be such a place of life and love too if we work at it. But before I get caught up divulging my thoughts about marriage in general, let me get to the real reason for this blog post - my wife.

Jamie is an amazing woman! We have been married for 3 years, 8 months, and 17 days now. In that span of time, we have lived 6 different places, been in three countries whose governments were being threatened or overthrown, finished our Master's degrees, had our first child, had several illnesses and hospital visits (I have any way), and I have had four different jobs. We are still in the midst of another major move and job change, while she is pregnant with our second child! Honestly, that is enough to keep 8 or 10 years of marriage interesting, but we have packed it into less than 4 years!

In the last 15 months (since Natalie was born) Jamie has probably had 5 nights of good sleep - no exaggeration. Usually she probably sleeps 4-6 hours, and sometimes more, but not all at one time. Yet she still manages to love me, encourage me, and love Natalie like crazy!

Jamie is a gentle woman with great strength and courage. She might not tell you that, but one has to have great strength and courage to live the life we have lived and to marry a guy like me. Jamie is caring and incredibly intelligent. I honestly cannot ever remember her being rude to someone or mean to someone.

Maybe the most important thing for me is that she loves me. I don't mean that she has strong emotions for me, but that she chooses to love me. She has shown me love in some of the most challenging and painful times of life and she chooses to see the good in me. What I am trying to say, is that I REALLY love and appreciate my wife!

Questions about people

2008-04-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

So what is it in humans that they feel compelled to insult, belittle, and attack complete strangers? I am "dog sitting" my parents' dog while they are in Redding helping Jamie get ready to move up here to Spokane. While I was walking him around the neighborhood this evening, a couple of guys working on a house nearby started making "interesting" comments directed at me. Why? What is the point? Why do a couple of guys decide that it would be entertaining to hurl insults and taunts at an innocent passerby?

Instantly, my mind started filling with painful, witty comebacks that I wanted to throw back at them like lightning bolts. Why? Why is that my initial response? Is it conditioning? Nature? My culture? When I was in high school it seemed like those with the best comebacks and the best witty insults were the ones who were "on top" of the social order. That is what I felt like when all the comebacks were flooding through my thoughts.

The truth is, I think a lot of people don't really know how to love others. All we are used to is attacking others and separating ourselves from others. I guess it really isn't that odd if you think about it. God created us to connect with others in relationships - and to connect with him in relationship. Therefore, the best way to attack God's purposes would seem to be by attacking those relationships. Yet Jesus shows us that we don't have to attack and belittle others in order to be "on top". A life like his truly was, and is, an amazing thing. It completely reverses the "natural" order of things that we are used to.

In the end, I guess I just hope that I can gradually change even more. I was glad that I didn't blurt out any of the comebacks that I was thinking, but hopefully one day my mind will be filled with thoughts of how I can love someone like that in a practical way. One day at a time I guess.

Separation

2008-03-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

I have thought about how to describe this last week away from Jamie and Natalie, but I can't figure out how to put it into words. During the last week, Natalie has been sick and that just makes the whole experience harder. She has developed another ear infection, had a fever as high as 103.5, and has not been sleeping very good at all. All that adds up to very little sleep for Jamie, who is already tired from being pregnant. the best way I can describe my experience of all this is that it makes me feel so helpless and powerless. I know that the people I love the most in all the world are suffering physically and emotionally and I can't do anything.

I suppose there could be some great lesson in all of this, but right now it is just hard. I just love these two so much!

New Job - Old Car

2008-03-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

So I started my new job this week and it has been an adventure to say the least! the best way I can describe it is to say that it is like being overseas. I arrived in Spokane last Thursday, signed a bit of paperwork for the job on Friday, had about two hours of training Monday morning, and then was thrown in to the wolves in the afternoon! There isn't really a "job description" for my position and I kind of just have to figure it out as I go. I still have not signed an official contract, but apparently that is normal. honestly though, the only thing that seems normal around here is that every day is different.
My first full day in the computer lab where I am teaching, I had about 8 students wander in at all different skill levels. One student had never been on a computer and it was starting from scratch completely. Others were pretty good at typing and were just working on Microsoft Office programs. For the most part, they work individually and I help them as they need it. Some obviously need more help than others. I also had an ESL class consisting mostly of Russian speaking eastern Europeans come in during the last half of the lab and that raised the class numbers up to about 35 people. Even the cross cultural element reminds me of being overseas and is exciting to me.
so for that most part, the job is going well so far and I am enjoying connecting with the students and encouraging them as they try to gain skills that will benefit their lives and hopefully their family situations. I have already had several students open up and share pretty personal things with me and it is great to be in an environment where I can encourage them and try to be a voice of love and life to them.

Now to the old car. the second day on the job, I ended up leaving my lights on when I got to work. My car does not have any indicator to remind me that they are on, so I just forgot about it. Needless to say, I had to push start it in a slushy parking lot in my nice dress clothes.
The following day, I managed to lock my keys in the car, so I had to track down a coat hanger in the building, and pull my already bent door out enough to slip the hanger inside. Then it was a matter of trying to position it just right to flip the lock. Finally I was able to get it just right (with the help of a student on the other side of the car guiding my efforts) and I flipped the lock open.
today, I awoke to about 4 inches of snow and figured I would go and get some pictures of it at one of my favorite parks in Spokane. So I opened my car and started the engine to let it warm up. While it was warming up, I stepped outside to scrape the snow and ice off my windows. After I had cleared the windows, I grabbed the door handle to hop in and I pulled on it. To my surprise, the door did not open! I pulled the rubber seal off the bottom of the window (it hardly stays on anyway) and looked down into the door to discover that the handle mechanism had snapped! I guess the combination of age and the cold ended up taking its toll on the plastic piece that opened the door. So my car was running with the keys in it and I could not open the door. I again grabbed a coat hanger, and after about 20 minutes, I managed to unlock the passenger door.
So the car made the trip up here, but now it has only one functional door (the passenger side door) and it sounds like it is going to fall apart every time I hit a pothole. I guess it keeps my life interesting. I will be sure to write about its gradual death as it progresses.

Spring in Spokane

2008-03-29T14:41:00.001-07:00

Yes, it really is spring here, but winter just does not want to let go this year! I left Redding

a little over a week ago and it has snowed most days since I have arrived in Spokane. It usually melts off in the afternoon, but it has snowed enough to accumulate 3-5 inches several times. I have to admit, I have been enjoying it since I have not had a "real" winter almost a decade, but I am hoping it starts to warm up before Jamie arrives next weekend. Either way, it will be a bit of a temperature shock for her. Good times.

A fitting welcome

2008-03-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I drove from Redding, CA to Spokane, WA in about 12 and 1/2 hours. for those of you doing the calculations, yes, I did speed a little bit, but only in the high desert of northern Oregon where there are no cars for miles around. the trip went really well other than the brief blizzard I ran into that caused me to miss a turn and get about 45 minutes off track. Otherwise though, it was great.
Today I signed some paperwork for my new job, met a few of the people I will work with, and tried to reacquaint myself with Spokane a bit while looking for a place for us to live. The best part of the day though was the wonderful surprise when I woke up. It was snowing hard here and there was probably 4 inches of snow already collected from the night. My car barely made it down the street this morning in all that, but thankfully it was being driven by an expert!
Right now I have an incredibly intense headache and I am exhausted. hopefully I will be able to sleep with all this pain. Tomorrow the search for housing resumes.
I miss my wife. I miss my daughter. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...my opinion is that absence just makes the heart ache.

Last night at the Stirring...

2008-03-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Last night was my final night to attend the Stirring as a "regular". I hope to visit in the future, as we will be coming back to the area occasionally, but it was my last night as a part of that community. Let me just say, "wow"! God knew what we needed and met us in a way that I have not experienced in a long time.
Nate and Dan did a bit of a tag team approach to the teaching last night. Nate began the night "dancing" around in his usual excited way and conveying a deep passion for the message that God had laid on his heart. He shared about Jesus walking with the men on the Road to Emmaus after his death and resurrection. I will not try to recreate the message here, but highly recommend listening to it for those who did not hear it last night. To continue with the tag team analogy, Nate presented the message, had everyone attentively listening, and then tagged Dan to come in and finish us off with a delayed vertical suplex (hope you liked the British Bulldogs reference Dan). Seriously though, Dan shared a bit of his and Alyssa's story and touched us all with his honesty, openness, and the story of God's often confusing ways. While it may not have been the delayed vertical suplex, the story of God's faithfulness and guidance in their lives had a similar effect by bringing many to tears, myself included.
The message last night spoke to us powerfully because we relate to is so closely right now. We moved back from the Philippines a little over a year ago with a plan. We spent several months living in Seattle and seeing door after door slammed in our faces. After these months of discouragement, we moved back to Redding with plans of following God and living out our dreams in this area that we love so much. We connected with a great group of people doing their best to follow Jesus (the Stirring), we enjoyed the area for all the beauty and nature it offers, and yet every opportunity we pursued to use our gifts, experiences, and education seemed to come to a dead end. For whatever reason, things did not turn out how we had planned or hoped. At my point of greatest discouragement, God opened a door. It was not a door we were looking for, one we expected, or one we would have thought of by ourselves, but it has clearly been God's handiwork. He has opened an opportunity for me to teach in a public community college, specifically in a program designed for people who often need a second chance to help them get on their feet and take care of their families. It is a chance to use the gifts and passions that God has placed within my heart, yet it requires us to move to Spokane, Washington.
Last night was a good reminder for me that God truly is aware of our desires and the talents he has given us, but often we have to surrender our own idea of how we want to use these things. If we had our choice, we would have had a similar opportunity open up in Redding, but God has different plans for us. While it is hard to say goodbye, and hard to let go of our hopes and ideas of how things would turn out, we are excited to see how God chooses to fulfill these dreams and hopes within our lives.
This will be the third time in the past 14 months that we have transported our lives between Washington and California in a moving van. I don't recommend that to anyone. yet, in the midst of it, God is beginning to give us new hope and new confidence in his plan for our lives. We may not know the specifics of that plan, but we are reminded that he does have a plan, and that even though his plan may often differ from our own, his plans are best. I guess now we just have to wait and see where the road leads...

Politics

2008-03-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

So I have to be honest, I am kind of fed up with politics. I have paid more attention to the presidential primaries this year than ever before, and I am probably more passionate about certain issues that I ever have been, but the back and forth, nit picking of politics just gets old real fast. Analyzing everything a person says and looking for the crack in their impenetrable ideological armor seems to have very little to do with actually leading the people.
It's not that I don't care about our country, or what direction it goes - I really do. The discouraging thing is that all the press coverage and news seems to focus more on the "controversies" and the attacks that somehow are supposed to show us how unfit a person is for the position they are running for. Right now I am at the point of almost wanting to just ignore it all. How is a follower of Christ supposed to respond to all of this and engage in the political process? How would Jesus do it? Would he even get involved? Our version of political leadership seems to have developed into a fierce competition about who is the best - a stark contrast to the leadership of Jesus.
I don't have any profound conclusions at this point. Just questions. How am I to follow Jesus in this type of situation?

Two weeks and counting...

2008-03-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

Two weeks from today I will be driving up to Spokane. It will be a long, quiet drive since my car does not have a radio of any sort and it is about 850 miles. I guess it will give me some good time to think and pray about things. The drive is not the part that I dread though. I have made the drive several times and I do enjoy the different landscapes between Redding and Spokane. The part that I am not looking forward to is saying goodbye to my wife and daughter.
Jamie joked the other day that I would actually get two weeks of good sleep while I was up in Spokane without them. That may be true, but I think I would rather have them around, even if Natalie wakes up several times a night and Jamie has a hard time sleeping because she is pregnant. It will be a challenging transition, and actually the longest amount of time I have been apart from Jamie since we have been married. Needless to say, it will be tough.
It is all kind of surreal at this point in time, but we have seen God open so many doors for us so far that I am excited to see what he continues to do. God has called us to an adventure, and he rarely lets us know how things will work out in the course of that adventure, but it always seems to be just right. So while I am a bit overwhelmed with only two weeks left, I am also excited to see what is next...

Doing What's Best...I Hope

2008-03-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

Nothing too profound right now. There has been a lot of sickness going around the area, the school, and even my family. Given that it has been pretty severe this year, I have been happy to not be affected by it much. I have had a slight cold, but that is all. For some reason, it hit me this afternoon. Achy joints, headache, exhaustion. So instead of going to the Stirring tonight, I am staying home to rest.

Maybe that seems like no big deal, but it was a hard decision for me. Since I will be moving to Spokane in a few weeks, I have few opportunities left to go and appreciate the one church that I have been excited about in the past few years. I am just hoping and praying that if I get some good rest tonight, I can get over this quick and head it off before it gets bad. Just trying to do what's best, but what's "best" isn't what I want right now.

Since I hinted at the topic, let me just say a few words about the Stirring right now. The Stirring has been a breath of fresh air for us the past 8 months. Sure, it is an in perfect group of people imperfectly following Jesus, but they know that. It is a place where it is okay to be imperfect, the goal is simply to follow Jesus, not to be "good" or do all the right things. It has been a blessing to us as we have been able to connect to others in our life group as well. While the Stirring is not a mega church, it is big enough to kind of get lost in at times. Life groups though, have been a great way to keep people connected. I would guess that the Stirring has a higher percentage of participation in life groups / small groups than any other church I have ever been a part of in my life. It is so refreshing to see small groups emphasized and promoted so strongly. I don't know, there is so much more I could say, but maybe I will dedicate an entry to my appreciation of the Stirring when I feel a bit better. I think it is just more clear to me now since I will soon have to say goodbye to that group of people and begin the process again of trying to connect with a group of believers who so strongly emphasize trying to follow Jesus with our lives and with the way we connect to others.

Who needs TV?

2008-02-29T13:31:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I can't believe how entertaining, funny, and creative a 14 month old child can be! Natalie is simply crazy sometimes. She LOVES to dance lately and anytime there is music on, she bounces, gallops, and waves her hands around instantly. Even when she hears the cell phone ring, she starts to bounce and move around.
Aside from dancing, she sometimes just gets in moods where she runs around the house and either screams occasionally for no reason or she kind of gallops and lets out a squeal every few steps. We seriously just sit there and watch her and laugh at her sometimes. It may be challenging at times to be a parent, but I have never been more entertained either.
Her newest word that she has "learned" is ducko. Anytime someone leaves or comes in, she will say "bye-bye ducko" or "hi ducko". I have no idea where she got it from but it is pretty funny as well. Man, I just love my daughter so much! May she always have that much joy in her life.

When will it end...

2008-02-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

Lately our lives have been filled with transition. By lately, I mean it has stretched out over the past year and a half. Currently, the word on the street is that it might end soon...after another major transition of course.
Jamie and I will be moving to Spokane, Washington in approximately a month so that I can start a job teaching in the Community College system there. I will be teaching in the Adult Basic Education program and the Work First program - both of which are designed to help people gain job skills, basic computer skills, and other technical training so that they can qualify for better jobs to support their families. It will be focused more towards the lower income population in Spokane, which is something that we are excited about. We have studied Community Development and feel that God has given us a desire to use our gifts and education in that type of environment, so this is a great opportunity to do those things.
So currently we are overwhelmed with all that we have to do in order to move, and we are trying to figure out the details of her staying here an extra few weeks in order to finish our class here and pack the rest of our stuff up. It will be hectic, but it looks like this will (hopefully) be the last major move for a while. We are definitely looking forward to NOT moving for a while.

Dependency

2008-02-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

So last night as I was thinking about the fact that my wife is now pregnant with our second child, a revelation hit - God knew what he was doing! Ok, I know, that is not much of a revelation. But just hear me out on this one. Our first daughter is absolutely wonderful and full of life. She is super social and just loves to be a part of the action around her. Because of that, she does not like to sleep! In her first 13 months of life, I can think of two weeks where we had consistently good sleep most of the week. (Both came after she was a year old). All of that to say that we are exhausted a lot of the time after a year without consistent sleep. Now that Jamie is pregnant, she is even more tired, but her body just doesn't let her sleep! So while the thought of adding another child to our family is incredibly exciting, it is also pretty daunting. How are we going to manage to do this?
So this is where God comes in the picture. I was thinking last night that it would be so nice if he just made pregnancy easier on women, and if he made little kids a bit easier to raise. I man, He's God right? He can do anything he wants, so why not make that whole process a bit easier? That is when it hit me. God made things this way for a reason. I know, maybe I am just really slow, but sometimes I think to myself that God could have made things a bit more "convenient" for us if he wanted. I mean, if he had a suggestion box, I would probably add something at least weekly. So why did he design pregnancy and child raising the way it is? Well I am sure there are a plethora of wonderful reasons that I don't understand, but the one that hit me like a hammer on the thumb last night was the fact that we need each other.
The American mindset and culture values individuality and independence, but I don't think that is a value of God's. In fact, after he created Adam, he said that it was NOT GOOD that he was alone. He needed a "helper". Sure you can debate a lot about what "helper" might mean, but in my mind it means that Adam needed help! God could have made a "friend" for him, or a "competitor" or some crazy new animal that could talk an interact with him intellectually. But God knew that Adam needed help. He needed someone else to be his friend, his companion, his encouragement, his sounding board for new ideas - his helper. My point is that God made us with a need for others. There is no stage in life where this is more apparent than with a helpless little child. Even now, when Natalie can run around and explore, she is in need of so much guidance and care. So from the start, God puts us in a place of dependence upon others. The crazy thing is that sometimes we get the idea that we should "grow up" and grow out of this dependence and become independent. Yes we should do this in some ways, but God didn't create Eve to raise Adam from a baby, he created Eve to help him as an adult. It was better this way! We are created for community!
So what does this have to do with pregnancy? Well, as of last night, I think that pregnancy and raising children are meant to remind us as adults of our dependence upon others as well and our need for community. I have never felt more helpless in my life than in trying to raise a child. I have never been pregnant, but from my observation, it seems like quite a challenge in itself. Maybe if it was easy (like the suggestion I submitted to God) it would allow us to just do it on our own and not ask for help from others. While that my fit nicely with our independent American ideals, it would seem opposed to God's idea of us needing others. So my whole point is that maybe God wants these things to be challenges as a reminder that even though we are older and more capable of many things, we still need him desperately and we still need others as well.
The great challenge for all of this is that we live in a place where it takes a great deal of humility to ask for help and it is viewed as a sign of weakness many times. Even if others might like to help us, how many of us hesitate to reach out because we don't want to "be a burden" or we feel like we should be able to do it ourselves? In the end, I think my great revelation has just been a challenge to myself to realize that we need each other. Reaching out to ask for help and live in community may be foreign to how we often do things in the United States, and Admittedly it can be hard to do, but maybe it is time to accdept the fact that God made us dependent on him and on others for a reason. Believe it or not, it is good to be dependent. It is good to be connected to others. It is good to have help.
God grant us the humility and courage to reach out to others and embrace the community that we all desire so much and yet do not pursue for fear of being "weak".

Laughter

2008-02-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

When Natalie laughs, my heart melts. It is hard to describe the amazing feeling that overwhelms you when you see your young child laughing with delight because she found something (nobody else really knows what) hilarious. Being a parent is many things, but the joy of it far outweighs any other aspect of the role. Watching Natalie laugh, "dance", or just have fun running away from us is so much fun!
This morning before I went to work, she was walking through the living room with a toy in her hand and she just stops and points her right hand emphatically at the ceiling and stares at it for a while. Jamie and I were just kind of watching and trying to figure out what she was doing when she just sort of snapped out of it, pulled her hand down abruptly and started galloping away in her awkward half jog.
I can't imagine life without her. I know for a fact that I am not that fun or entertaining! Anyway, I just appreciate my daughter like crazy right now and wanted to make that known.

The Toilet

2008-01-31T09:28:00.001-08:00

Natalie really loves to play in water. She loves bath time, she loved swimming last summer, and she loves to play in puddles outside if we let her. Yesterday, she discovered that we have a "puddle" in our house! The bad part is that she discovered it because we had friends over with a little four year old boy who went to the bathroom, left the seat up, and forgot to flush...

Christian Higher Education

2008-01-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this little rant by saying that I owe much of who I am today to my experiences in Christian higher education. So I am not in any way trying to condemn it overall, I just want to ask some questions - and since I have come through that system, I feel that I have a bit of a right, if not a responsibility, to question it. The main question I want to ask is simply this: Is Christian higher education accomplishing what it is trying to accomplish?
Currently I work at a Christian University and I am fully aware of the fact that we are graduating wonderful students each year and sending them out into the "real world" with a good education. But is that really out goal? This may vary depending on the program that a student is in, but at our school, a high percentage of the students are here to prepare for ministry. Maybe that is pastoral ministry, or overseas work as a missionary. So they come to a school like ours, study for four years, and graduate with a degree in an applicable field such as biblical studies, pastoral studies, or cross cultural studies. So far the process sounds pretty good. I suppose we could talk about how well the degrees actually prepare the students for the ministry they hope to engage in, but that is not my big hesitation right now.
The part that is very hard for me to reconcile is the fact that many of these students graduate from here with an enormous amount of debt. A college education is expensive. Those expenses only multiply when you are going to a private Christian school. The dilemma is a big one. Students who want to be trained in these fields cannot simply choose to go to a more affordable public college because they don't offer the specialized "Christian" programs that private Christian schools do. On the other hand - if a student does spend four years at a private Christian school, they often end up with a debt that actually keeps them from entering the ministry that they studied for! The truth is that ministry jobs don't often pay well. That is not necessarily a bad thing always, but if we are requiring applicants for these jobs to have college training (which we often do) then we are putting them in a really tough spot.
In the end, maybe it is not a problem specifically with the Christian Higher Education system, but more of a problem with how we train Christian leaders. If our denominations and our churches require college degrees for those in ministry, they are often requiring people to go into debt. Maybe I am mistaken, but that seems to be in conflict with what God talks about in the bible. As a financial aid advisor, I have seen firsthand the crippling effects of debt. I know of several students who are gifted, passionate about God and others, college graduates, and yet cannot afford to do what they are passionate about because they have too much debt. Some mission organizations also require people to have no debt before going overseas with them. While I think that this is a wise requirement, it also becomes less attainable when those groups also require a college degree with a "Christian" specialization.
There is much more to say about this, but a critique without an alternative is about as useful as a pastoral studies degree with $50,000 in debt. So what is my alternative? Higher education in general has not been around all that long. For most of the worlds history, people learned from others in an apprentice / mentor type of relationship. Jesus himself gathered together a group of men to learn from him over the course of several years. During that time, he taught them, encouraged them to try things, rebuked them, and spent his life with them. What better learning experience could a person get? Instead of four years of classes that last for a few hours a day, and often only go for about two thirds of the year, what if we had a model where people were actively mentored for four years and trained by others? I would truly love to see more churches, denominations, and missions organizations embrace this type of an idea and validate it. It could look many different ways, and would not necessarily have to exclude formal education altogether. My point is simply that there must be another way. If we are seeking to train and prepare people for ministry, how can we do that in a way that actually allows them to do ministry when their training is complete? We need to develop alternatives and we need to think creatively. It is time to rethink the way that we as Christians are training our leaders. Again, I am not saying that a formal college education is in any way wrong, but it is becoming less attainable for many students. For these students, we should have an alternative. That is all I will say for now, but truly this is a huge topic that could keep me going for quite some time.

Snow

2008-01-29T10:27:00.000-08:00

Today it is snowing! It is hard to believe how much I like the snow. Maybe it is magnified a bit since I have not been around it for several years now, but either way, I just love it when it snows. I have to admit though, it makes it hard to work. My office is arranged so that I sit at my desk with my back to the window and today I just keep turning around to watch the snow. Maybe that is partly because it is not that common in Redding. It is actually starting to look like a real winter outside! I definitely love the snow!

Blogging

2008-01-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest with you...wait nobody is reading this...I'll be honest with myself - blogging is an odd thing. Even the word itself still sometimes makes me thing of a word that an Englishman would use as a profanity. " You blogging idiot - learn how to drive!" You know, something of that nature. Now I appreciate blogs for their ability to help us keep updated across great distances at times, but like much of our technology, it seems that they sometimes only serve to keep us more disconnected.

An example: I read a couple of blogs regularly. My cousin's family is in Africa right now and reading their blog allows me to stay up to date on what things are happening in their lives in a way that I would not be able to otherwise. On the other hand, I regularly read the blog of a friend that lives in the same town as me. By reading his blog, it gives me the feeling that I know him better and that I am somehow connected to him. The reality, though, is that it can also give me an excuse to not call him and get together with him. By reading a blog, I can feel a false sense of connectedness with another person that may actually cause me to neglect the relationship or at least not pursue face to face interaction. It is crazy that this illusion of connectedness actually can increase our loneliness!

There is just something special, powerful, and absolutely essential about actually talking with others face to face. I know, it is ironic and maybe even hypocritical that I am writing all this on my own blog, but I guess I just take solace in the fact that I have no intention of connecting to others through this entry. The truth is, this is a record of my thoughts and feelings. Mostly this is something for me - and maybe for my family in the future. Some people journal - I blog. It comes down to practicality - I can't write nearly as fast as I type and if I try, I can't read my own handwriting.

So there, I have said it - blogs are a curious thing...

The American Dream

2008-01-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

Just a few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about some contrasts we have noticed between life in the United States and life in other countries. Both of us have lived in foreign countries and often been faced with the challenge of explaining our country to others who have never been here. To many people we have both encountered, the United States looks like the "land of promise". It is an ideal place where everyone is wealthy, everyone is successful, and we all have fancy houses. In short, it is a wealthy place and it is desirable.
On the outside, that perception of the United States seems pretty accurate. What I have come to realize more acutely then ever is that it is actually quite rare for people to actually own all the stuff they use. You see, the truth is that we live in houses owned by a bank or real estate company, drive cars leased from a dealer, sit on furniture leased from a store, and watch sports on a high definition TV that was paid for with a credit card that is maxed out. Much of the United States has the appearance of wealth, but really what we truly have is a staggering amount of debt. As foreclosures continue to rise and our economy slows down, maybe it is a good time to take a step back and realize the absurdity of our current system. We live much of our lives working hard to pay of the debt that we owe to others because we insist on living at a level that we have not yet actually attained!
There is much more that could be said but alas, time is running short for me. I just hope that I can live my life in a way that doesn't give the appearance of wealth through large amounts of debt. Maybe I will rent an apartment with my family for the rest of our lives, I don't know, but I will do all that I can to avoid accumulating a large amount of debt in order to live a "dream" that really wouldn't be so enjoyable with a large chain of debt around my neck.
So to my friends overseas, though we may look wealthy, much of our wealth is really just large golden chains of debt that keep us pushing and fighting for more all the time. Sometimes we work multiple jobs, we sacrifice friendships and time with family, and lust after the newest things. Does that sound like a dream? Not to me. But I will say that it is incredibly hard to not buy into this debt cycle when we are constantly bombarded with another advertisement for a new credit card, or a new loan, or an offer to buy now and pay later. God, give us eyes to see through all these lies. Grant us the wisdom to live in a way that doesn't burden us with debt. God help us all.

Rick

2008-01-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, I met a man named Rick. Rick was from the midwest and was travelling out here in the western United States for a while with his wife. Rick was a kind man in his late fifties, pretty articulate, and friendly with nearly everyone that walked by during our conversation. He had attended Purdue University many years ago, then got a job, bought some property, and built a house. Then everything changed. Rick's house burned down recently. Since he had no insurance to cover the fire, the loss was complete - all his belongings, his home, even many important documents and records. Rick had not been working due to health problems he was having, so he had no income to deal with the tragic loss of his home. Though college educated, a landowner and homeowner, Rick suddenly found himself...homeless.
It is easy to drive by a homeless person and make a lot of assumptions about their situation. By taking the time to stop and talk with Rick, I found that many of the things I might have assumed and guessed, were dead wrong. Finding himself in a position where he had lost everything, he and his wife decided to travel and see the country - thus adjusting to a transient, homeless lifestyle. Upon coming to Redding, Rick's wife decided to try and see one of her children who lives here. Though I don't know all the story behind it, her children have all decided not to have anything to do with her - seemingly due to her homelessness. She became desperate, so she broke into an apartment, stole a credit card, and used it to buy some things for herself and Rick. Shortly after that, she was arrested and sent to a women's prison in Fresno. Now Rick is not only homeless, but alone.
Rick is not so different from the rest of us. He has an education. He pursued the "American Dream" and had a home and a family. He values relationships and wants to have friends. He does his best to live a friendly, caring life. He really is not so different than me, or my family, or many of my friends. Unfortunately, life handed him a crazy, painful, and overwhelming set of circumstances all at once. The amazing thing is that Rick is not bitter or angry about it. He told me that he starts every day by thanking God for another day to live, and he ends each day by thanking God that he provided for him that day. He isn't angry when people treat him poorly - instead he tries to cheer them up. He is a smart man who had everything he cares about taken from in over a short period of time.
Sometimes we pity the homeless. Sometimes we think to ourselves that "helpless" might be a better term for these people. On a good day, we may roll down our car window and hand them a five dollar bill, a hamburger, or an extra pair of gloves. But how often do we sit and listen to them? Rick is not someone who wants pity, he wants a listening ear. He is not really asking for handouts from people seeking to ease their own conscience, he is seeking dignity. He is not helpless - in fact, Rick has a lot to offer to anyone willing to sit with him in the cold Redding rain for a few minutes.
After talking with me for a while, Rick asked me if he could give me some advice. "Sure", I replied. His advice? Work for the Lord first and foremost because that is the most important thing. Then work with kids. He said that he thought I would be good with kids. Though he admitted that he didn't know a lot about kids, he thought that I would be good with them. He also emphasized that kids are the future. How they are taught, loved, and dealt with during their fundamental years of growth will greatly influence the world that is to come. How did this man know that I have always loved kids? How did he know that I had been struggling with direction in my life? How did this homeless man speak more truth into my life than any of my "friends" who know me had in a long time?
The truth is, Rick is not a helpless, homeless man - he is a man. Plain and simple, he is another human being with just as much to offer to me as anyone else. He is smart, thoughtful, reflective, and takes the time to connect with others if they will allow it. Rick is someone who could teach us all a few lessons in thankfulness, courage, trust in God, and optimism about humanity - yet he has more excuses than most people to just give up and become bitter.
Rick may end up sleeping in a dumpster again tonight, just as he did the night before I spoke with him. But that does not make him any less valuable to God or any less valuable to the rest of us if we will just lay aside our assumptions and take the time to talk and listen. Sometimes we think that we are the ones that need to give to others like Rick, but Rick gave more to me that day than I gave to him. May we all take the time to truly see the heart inside of people rather than just making our judgments based on the clothing, hairstyle, skin color, or economic status of those around us. Of course, if we take the time to do that, we just might learn something...

Inclement Weather

2008-01-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Early this morning, I sleepily rose from bed to go for a run. All night long I could hear the rain and wind outside, but I was not really aware of how bad it was until I got dressed, stretched, and stepped outside for my run.
The first half of my run had me generally running into the wind and driving rain. Basically, that meant that my face was being pelted by painful stinging rain and I had to squint my eyes e whlti and look down at the ground just in front of me so that I could only see the next couple of steps most of the time. On top of that, I had to expend double the effort to actually move forward rather than run in place. The winds this morning are near a constant 40 mph with gusts near 60 mph. On the return trip, the wind added some help as it mostly blew at my back. The gusts though, seemed to be going several different directions, and one of them actually tripped me and blew me over! There I was, innocently running along, soaking wet, and a gust hit my left side, blew my left leg behind my right leg in mid stride thus tripping me and making me fall over!
After I made it the rest of the way home and took off my soaking clothes (with about 10 pounds of water in them) I realized that maybe it would have been best to just stay in bed this morning and wait until tomorrow to run. As I started to warm up and dry off though, I was glad that I had braved the storm. I mean hey, I was the only one out there, so I was able to enjoy some solitude, I had a good excuse for running slow, and how many people can say that the wind has tripped them!
Crazy weather + running = a nice Friday morning adventure.

Children

2007-12-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

So last night at church, our new pastor, Dan Lance (www.revrock.org), shared with us a challenging and yet encouraging message about a life poured out for Christ and others. I won't try to summarize the message since it will be available online at http://www.thestirring.org/listen.shtml within a week or two. I do, however want to share some reflections that are part my own, and part my wife's.
It can often be hard to separate ourselves from our own cultural lenses when examining our lives. We have had the incredibly valuable experience of living as minorities overseas for almost three years, and this allowed us to see our own culture more clearly in many ways. One of the most stark contrasts between our culture and the Filipino culture we lived in was the emphasis on family relationships. This blog entry is also not the place for an elegant comparison of cultures, but this is enough to bring me to the point of my ramblings. Children!
Jesus consistently cared for the most powerless, outcast, and marginalized people in his society when he walked the earth. As followers of his we are called to do the same, and Dan challenged us last night to think about who the marginalized in our own community are. While it is easy to think of homeless people, those living in poverty, and maybe ethnic minorities, I was challenged by another thought last night. Children. Not that any of the other groups are less deserving or less in need of Jesus' love. Children though, seem to be some of the most marginalized people in our American culture. We are so caught up in pursuing our own lives and our own "rights" to happiness and contentment, that we often toss aside our children or only give them the leftovers of a life that should be more fully devoted to caring for, nurturing, and teaching them.
It is not hard to see evidence of broken families in our American culture, and the children are the ones that are probably the most deeply affected by this indirect "violence" that is done to them. Yet even in families that are not broken visibly, children are consistently faced with the reality that many parents want to pursue their own dreams, their own career goals, and their own pleasure before they want to care for their children. How many families are caught up in pursuing the "American Dream" while neglecting their own children in order to make the mortgage payment, buy the new boat, or just get a lot o money? Truly this topic could be expounded upon for a great while, yet my point is merely to say that I believe children are one of the most marginalized, neglected, and powerless groups of people in our country.
Even as Christians, we must be careful of this tendency. My wife, Jamie, has chosen during the first year of our daughter's life, to stay at home with her while I work. Jamie is an amazingly talented woman with a Master's degree, a natural ability to organize and pay attention to details, and an incredible amount of brains, and honestly, I have no doubt that she could do my job more efficiently and more productively than me. Jamie could easily get any number of jobs in this area and get paid well enough to put Natalie into a great daycare and to have money left over for us to get more of the "stuff" that any good American could want. She could get a job that would allow her to have recognition, praise, and personal gain. Yet, she has chosen to spend her days with a very expressive, dramatic and wonderful one year old who neither gives her praise, nor recognition for all that she does. More than ever, I am convinced that she is living a life poured out for the "least of these" like Christ would have her do. Yet even in this, there is pressure at times from well meaning Christians to do something "useful" or more "ministry" focused. But often it really is just a clever way of say, "we don't value what you are putting your time into - why don't you do something more fulfilling or glorious?". Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to women working, I am not opposed to daycare, and I am not a male chauvinist. Rather, I would just like to say that we need to start valuing those who do take care of our children. Whether it is daycare providers, teachers, moms, dads, relatives, or anyone else - they are one of the least valued groups by our society oftentimes. Even when they do get recognition it is recognition for being a means to serve our own ends.
Will Jamie always stay at home? I don't know. But this isn't just about Jamie. It is about people all over the place who care for our children! Not only do we marginalize our children and neglect them for our own gain, but we also fail to value those that do care for them and thus, we marginalize them as well! Jamie is one of my heroes, and a constant challenge to me to live in a way that my life is poured out for others! It is easy to desire a life that is poured out for others in a glorious way. I sometimes dream of changing a whole town, a whole region, or even a country with the love of God. While that is a noble idea, part of what draws me to it is the recognition that might be received. It is much less glorious and rewarding to think about spending time with people who can't give you much recognition and who may not be appreciative for many years. Here again I come to Jesus. Jesus, spent time with many who could do nothing for him. He invested his life into so many people that were marginalized and neglected. And at the end of his life, he was abandoned to a lonely death without recognition, without glory, and without appreciation. If Jesus were to walk the streets of Redding, I know there are many that he would stop and care for. there are many hurting people that Jesus would pour out his life for with no question of recognition or status - only a desire to love and serve others. I am convinced that Jesus would care for the children in this area. And for those who daily pour out their lives to care for, love, and raise our children - I can not say thanks enough! You truly are walking in the way of Jesus! May we all begin to see those around us that are in need and may we begin to pour out our lives for others in a beautiful and powerful display of Jesus' sacrificing love!

Pain

2007-12-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Pain is interesting. I have lived with almost constant back and neck pain for several years now and for the most part I think that I deal with it ok. I have been realizing though, that it affects me more than I admit sometimes. It can significantly influence my emotions and my outlook on life at times. Pain is also interesting because it can be easy to compare my pain to someone else's and try to tell myself that mine is nothing compared to theirs - and it is true. But even though others may be in more pain than I am, it does not take mine away. I think someties we have so much pressure to be "strong" and have it all together so we just ignore or "medicate" the pain in our lives whether it is physical or emotional pain. Something I have been learning though, is that we have to be honest about our pain if we want it to be dealt with. Unless we admit that we have needs, nobody can help us. Much more can be said on this topic, but I just wanted to express that I am in pain. It doesn't mean that I am weak, or that my pain is even close to the pain many other people feel, but nonetheless, I am in pain. That's all...just thought I would be honest about what's on my mind.

Friends

2007-11-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we just need other people. I could say a lot about how frustrating it can be to live in such a technologically advanced society and yet feel so isolated and alone at times, but that is a topic for another time. The last year has been really hard for us as we have lived in two different countries, four different cities, and transitioned through some of the most major life changes we can. It has been incredibly lonely at times, but I have been reminded numerous times of the incredible value of true friends. Sometimes I have been reminded of this value by their absence from my life and by their distance, but sometimes it has been a result of a friend caring at just the right time and reaching out to support, encourage and love.
Though whole books could be written about this, I just simply wanted to say that I have been reminded of the great blessing that relationships with others can provide and the great need that we have for others in our lives. I may still be young (at least I think so) but I have seen a lot, and I know that I would rather die poor and surrounded by true, loving friends than to get a great job that provides all I could want materially and yet leaves me isolated and lonely in the end. Wouldn't it be great if we all invested more in each other and less in getting that new flat screen plasma TV? I don't know about anyone else, but I hope and pray that my life can reflect my priorities in the long term and in the small decisions of everday - may my life reveal that people are more important to me than things...

I Ride a Scooter

2007-11-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, we were given a 1985 Honda CH80 scooter. It is a wonderful gift and has served us well already. At this point, it is my primary means of transportation. Since I only have to commute about 6 miles to work each day, the scooter is a wonderful way for me to save gas and enjoy the fresh morning air. I'll be honest, I ride the scooter mostly because it is economical (80 miles per gallon) but also because it is my only option right now. My other option, a Nissan Sentra (also given to us) needs a new clutch and we can't afford to fix it right now.
This morning it was raining as I got ready for work. Part of me really wished I had the Nissan to drive today but instead, I put on my full rainsuit and rode to work. It was on the way to work that I realized how much our culture is focused on convenience. The thought of riding a scooter in the rain on a cold morning would make most people (myself included) balk. Why? Because it is not convenient to wear full rain gear; because it is cold; because it makes me "suffer" a little bit. We have so many options here in the United States, but I have to ask myself, "are we using these options wisely?" How can I best honor God with my resources? I think part of that answer for me, is riding my scooter even when it is cold and rainiy, and even if I have other options. Why? Because it is kinder to the environment, it saves gas, and it really is not that big of a deal to be "inconvenienced" for a few minutes each morning and evening.
Sometimes making a good choice is not convenient, but hopefully I can get past my American ideals that say I "deserve" comfort luxury in order to make choices that better honor God through the use of the resources he has given me. It is all His anyway, so how can I best use what he has allowed me to borrow for right now?

Learning to Walk

2007-11-15T10:55:00.000-08:00

Natalie is learning to walk. It is a unique transitionary stage for her right now as she sometimes courageously lets go of our hands and walks clear across the room, while other times her hesitation and indecision lands her in a heap of suprised cries on the floor. It is fascinating to watch as babies grow and develop, continually gaining new skills and new freedom with these abilities. Admittedly, parents can get a little over-excited at times about new things. I mean honestly, who really cares if the baby had its first solid poop? But walking is a major step (no pun intended) in a child's development! Natalie is currently about 10 1/2 months old and charging fast into the world of increased personal mobility. It is fascinating to watch her as she learns to walk. Her face communicates so much with each step that she takes!
Often when she is standing and holding on to an object, such as our coffee, table, you can see her face get very focused as she begins to turn her body and position her feet to walk somewhere. She will then scope out her destination and after some brief moments of hesitation, she usually lets go and starts walking towards her goal. In the fleeting moments of walking, her face can go from fear, as she starts to lose her balance, to determination, when all else but her goal seems to fade from her vision, and sometimes overwhelming joy, as she nears her destination and knows that she has made it their all by herself! Sometimes as she is walking towards me, I can hardly contain my happiness as I watch her getting closer to me and her face transforms into the hugest smile, rendering her eyes virtually useless since they become tiny slits above her full cheeks!

As I have reflected on the last week or so of Natalie's development in this new ability we call walking, I have had a lot of questions on my mind. If my child is so eager to try new things and take risks, why do I so often avoid them? What is it in a child that drives them to keep trying over and over agian, even after surprising, and sometimes painful failure? Why do I give up so easily after real or perceived failure when this little girl can't even talk yet is so persistent in her pursuit of her goal?

Being a parent is a crazy thing. It can bring out a lot of emotion, it can scare a person like nothing else, and it can make you feel more helpless and confused at times than any other situation I have been in. I suppose that we can respond to the role of parenting in a lot of different ways. There are thousands of books on parenting and even more opinions from concerned family, friends, and complete strangers. It has been mentioned, for instance, that children who learn to walk before they learn to crawl have a harder time learning to read later on. Whether it is accurateor not, it puts pressure on parent's to get their child to crawl "correctly". Natalie has never had a "normal" crawl but she gets around just fine with a sort of one legged monkey scoot. I will be honest, I am thrilled that Natalie is learning to walk, and I couldn't care less that she never crawled "correctly".

My point is that I could easily respond as a parent by being disappointed that she didn't progress through her development in the "best" way. I could try to teach her how to crawl, or do any number of other things that someone might think is important. OR, I could choose to celebrate her courage and determination as she increases her ability to walk on her own. I can encourage her and cheer her on for her own unique ways of doing things that really don't hurt anyone even if they are a bit "different" than the many conflicting ideals floating around. And maybe this answers some of my questions about my own life. Maybe adults stop taking risks and pursuing our goals with such dogged determination because we are too concerned about doing things "right". We fear that if we make the wrong choice, fail in our attempts, or risk big and lose big, that our lives will somehow tragically end. It can be hard to sort through all the voices that are out there telling us what is the "best" way to live. Encouragement is not always easy to come by as we step out and try things, but Natalie has challenged me to step out anyway. Natalie starts each walking adventure with the determination to try, and then she takes a step. That first step sometimes ends up being the only one she takes before a dramatic fall, but other times it can be the start of something great as she walks by herself all the way across our apartment! It all starts with a dream or a goal and a simple step forward. May I live more like Natalie each day as I take steps to not only dream again and have big goals, but also as I take small steps to pursue those goals repeatedly until I begin to see the fruits of my labor. May we all dream a little more and learn to walk again like a child!

A Beginning

2007-11-12T15:25:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I am not sure why I am writing this at all. I have no intentions of sharing this with anyone at this time and I have no idea if I will be able to update this with any regularity. I guess I just want to express some thoughts and share things as I think of them. I often have grand ideas of journaling regularly and recording things from my life, but I end up only getting around to it every 4-6 weeks and then I feel overwhelmed as if there is so much to process, catch up on, and write about. So my personal disclaimer is this - I do not plan to be regular about posting on this blog, though it would be nice if I approached regularity.

Really, I simply desire to record some thoughts so that I can look back at this period in my life and remember with some degree of accuracy the things that I was thinking about, the things that were happening, and the things that moved me in some way. Hopefully, as my daughter Natalie grows up (and as we possibly add to our family) it can also provide some means for reminiscing and reflecting upon the journey that is our lives. Eventually I may share this with others to hear their thoughts, reactions and critiques as well. It may turn out to be a more public even after all, but for now we will beging this journey quietly. Maybe all of that is just a fancy way of me trying to say that this will be my version of a scrapbook, but let's be honest - a scrapbooking man isn't too well received so we must blog instead.

The title is pretty self explanatory - "Thoughts Along The Way". As I said, this will serve as a random record of my thoughts as I progress through life. I suppose only time will tell what will come of this blog but for now I will just say this - Welcome aboard all you phantom blog readers!