My main purpose in writing this blog was, from the start, to simply record my thoughts and maybe some things that are going on in my life. Lately, I have felt intimidated as I start to write new entries and then stop writing before I am finished. The truth is that I think I want to write something brilliant or witty, but if I only wanted to capture those moments of my life I would only have one entry per year. Why the pressure? I don't know, maybe it is the fact that I know people will read some of these entries, but the truth is that very few people actually read them anyway. So I will now attempt to get back to the point of this whole endeavor.
Life is filled with ups and downs. It seems that sometimes there are overwhelming ups when everything is going just right and life seems ideal. Then there are the nearly suffocating downs that make you wonder if anything will ever bring a smile to your face again. Yet it seems that most of life is spent in the middle places.
The middle places consist of a mixture of smaller ups and downs that often coincide so that each day can be spent swinging back and forth between joy, confusion, frustration, laughter, and tears. Maybe that is why words often defy me. It is easy to write about the spectacular, but it is hard to write about the ordinary. While I know that some would encourage me to find the spectacular moments in the ordinary days - it is not always an easy thing to do. Even when those moments do come, it is hard to capture them in words when all I want to do is sit and soak them up as much as possible.
My current journey through the middle places has me excited and a little bit scared about having another child in four or five weeks, thankful for a job that I enjoy - working with a unique group of students, and yet discouraged that budget issues are not allowing me to get as many hours in the fall quarter. I am hopeful about a full time position that I have applied for, yet afraid to get my hopes up too much. I am tired of being in pain, yet hesitant to see doctors because of frustration involved with that whole process. I am "homesick" for my family since they are all on the Oregon coast for vacation without us this week, and yet I am thrilled with my immediate family that will soon be getting larger. I am enjoying settling in Spokane again, but I am feeling the itch to be overseas also.
Maybe this is not "normal" for a lot of people, but it seems that my life consists of many fluctuating and varying influences that cause me to spend a lot of time in the middle places of life. In the midst all of this though, I am very thankful for the moments of joy that do get me through the confusion. Moments when I look in the rear view mirror and see Natalie asleep in her car seat with her head drooping lazily down and to the side and her sunglasses her nose and forehead because of their wild angle. Moments when a student I have been working with for months finally reaches a goal and I get to witness their joy. Sometimes it is the way my wife smiles when I walk in the door, and sometimes it is memories of different episodes of "The Office". Last weekend, it was just fun to take Natalie out to the lake and watch her have fun waving at the fish that swarmed around our feet. The look on her face as she worked up the courage to jump off the dock (holding my hands) was amazing.
I love the moments of joy and don't always cherish the times of frustration and stress, but this is life. It is a journey of ups and downs, with some bigger than others. Lately though, it seems that much of my life has been spent in the in between places. There it is...nothing profound...nothing witty or clever, just the reality of life the past few weeks.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sleep Deprived
Sleep is a wonderful thing! At least that is what I hear. I will let you know how I feel about it when I can experience it for myself...
Natalie has never been a good sleeper. I know, you are probably thinking "what do you expect Jeff, she is a baby?". Well, yes, I understand that there will be some issues from time to time with any child, but she has had more than most. The first 5 months of her life found me often awake with her for several hours in the middle of the night while she cried and screamed. then we transitioned to the point where she would sleep, but it came in spurts of an hour or two and the wake ups lasted for 15 or 20 minutes. Even that doesn't sound too bad if she did it for a long time, but she has never slept very long at night and her naps were even more irregular and short if they existed at all.
Now to be fair - she has improved greatly in the last couple months. In fact, she is probably averaging waking up only 1-3 times a night lately which has been a nice change. But the last three nights she has had a fever and not slept well. Last night I personally did pretty good and probably got a total of about six hours, which is good compared to the 3-4 hours of the previous nights.
So what is my point? I love sleep! It is incredibly challenging on so many levels to function consistently on much less sleep than I would ideally choose. I am exhausted. I look forward to when the next child is born in about 7 weeks because I think it should all get much better with two kids around!
Natalie has never been a good sleeper. I know, you are probably thinking "what do you expect Jeff, she is a baby?". Well, yes, I understand that there will be some issues from time to time with any child, but she has had more than most. The first 5 months of her life found me often awake with her for several hours in the middle of the night while she cried and screamed. then we transitioned to the point where she would sleep, but it came in spurts of an hour or two and the wake ups lasted for 15 or 20 minutes. Even that doesn't sound too bad if she did it for a long time, but she has never slept very long at night and her naps were even more irregular and short if they existed at all.
Now to be fair - she has improved greatly in the last couple months. In fact, she is probably averaging waking up only 1-3 times a night lately which has been a nice change. But the last three nights she has had a fever and not slept well. Last night I personally did pretty good and probably got a total of about six hours, which is good compared to the 3-4 hours of the previous nights.
So what is my point? I love sleep! It is incredibly challenging on so many levels to function consistently on much less sleep than I would ideally choose. I am exhausted. I look forward to when the next child is born in about 7 weeks because I think it should all get much better with two kids around!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Death of the Bida
OK, first I need to answer the question "what is a bida?". Well the truth is, it is the word that Natalie has used for her pacifier ever since she could start to talk. I made up my own spelling for it since it is a made up word, but it is pronounced "bye-duh". We have no idea where she got the word from or why it stuck, but that is what it has been for the last 8 months. Yesterday, she suddenly decided to change! Instead of the normal request for her bida, she looked at me in the car and said "paci please". At first I was confused about what she wanted, but soon figured it out. OK Jeff, so what's the point?
No huge point really except to say that it caught me off guard and actually made me a little sad. I was trying to figure out why it made me sad and realized that it just felt like she was growing up and getting rid of her "baby" name for the pacifier. I know - who cares. Well I do. It was just one of those small moments when you see your kid growing up and you are so proud and excited and also sad about moving on to another stage.
Maybe it was a small incident and it is a rather uninteresting story admittedly, but it captured that mixed state of emotions that combine nostalgic sadness with proud excitement. I am just kind of emotional about the whole parenting thing sometimes. I used to think it was kind of odd that my grandparents would come to my basketball games, band concerts, etc. and my grandpa would always be crying. I think I am going to be a parent like that who is so proud and happy for my kids but overwhelmed by emotion so that I end up crying at their events and performances. I guess we can just hope that I learn to control it before they are teenagers and prohibit me from coming and crying in public around their friends...
No huge point really except to say that it caught me off guard and actually made me a little sad. I was trying to figure out why it made me sad and realized that it just felt like she was growing up and getting rid of her "baby" name for the pacifier. I know - who cares. Well I do. It was just one of those small moments when you see your kid growing up and you are so proud and excited and also sad about moving on to another stage.
Maybe it was a small incident and it is a rather uninteresting story admittedly, but it captured that mixed state of emotions that combine nostalgic sadness with proud excitement. I am just kind of emotional about the whole parenting thing sometimes. I used to think it was kind of odd that my grandparents would come to my basketball games, band concerts, etc. and my grandpa would always be crying. I think I am going to be a parent like that who is so proud and happy for my kids but overwhelmed by emotion so that I end up crying at their events and performances. I guess we can just hope that I learn to control it before they are teenagers and prohibit me from coming and crying in public around their friends...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
A Mentor
I have struggled with how to start this post. Do I try to define what a mentor is? Do I relate my personal experience (most of it frustrating) with trying to find a mentor? Should I talk about why I think mentors are a good thing? Those may all be good things, but I think that what I really want to do is just tell a story of a mentor and friend because the point of this post is not to discuss those other ideas, but to remember a dear friend and mentor.
Jamie and I lived in the Philippines for almost two and a half years. For many reasons that was a crazy and wonderful time in our lives. The greatest part of that experience though, was the people. About five days after we arrived in the Philippines, Greg Dowell came with his truck to help us move from one side of metro Manila ( where we were staying) to the other side (near our school). After loading our stuff into his truck, he offered to let me drive it up to Quezon City (where the school was). Now, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but we had barely recovered from jet lag and traffic in Manila is not anything like traffic here in the USA! Finally, he agreed to drive the truck, but after a lunch stop halfway through the city, he again offered and convinced me to drive. That was a terrifying trip for me the first time I drove in Manila traffic, but Greg seemed to be as calm as ever just chatting away with us.
That was my first experience with Greg Dowell, but I would eventually learn that that event displayed some of the characteristics that would shape our relationship after that as well. Greg was a person that continually encouraged me, and others around him, to step out and try things. Even if they were scary, and even if you were almost guaranteed to fail, he would encourage people to try. If something did end up failing or not working out like we expected or planned, Greg was always a person that would encourage us to try again without hesitation. In a place where just about everything was new and foreign to us, he helped us to face our hesitations and fears and experience life while often walking with us through those adventures.
I really got to know Greg a bit better when I took a class from him at the Graduate School we attended. Greg challenged me to think deeply about the issues we were studying, but he was never one to pressure people into a certain viewpoint. He challenged us, but allowed us room and time to grow and think and form our own opinions.
After we had lived in the Philippines for almost a year, Greg and his wife Stephanie invited us to live with them since we were looking for a place with a bit less pollution. We ended up living with them for almost a year and a half (longer than we have lived anywhere else in our married life). During that time, we got to know them and their three kids that were still living at home like family. But even then, it wasn't just a nice living arrangement. Greg was intentional about talking to me / us about the things that we were learning and thinking about and he included us in the work that they were involved in as well. In short, he not only opened his home to us, he opened his life to us. We would travel to the southern Philippines with him where he often sought our ideas, input, and participation in things that intimidated us and seemed so much bigger than us. Greg would also ask me to breakfast on Saturday mornings when he was available. We would both hop on our motorcycles and ride down the road to Tropical Hut, where we would sit and talk usually for a couple of hours while eating our beef tapa, rice, and eggs.
It's not just that Greg was available to me, it was that he invited me into relationship and encouraged me to take part in the things that he was doing as well. Greg impacted me and changed me not so much with profound words but with a life committed to loving others and sharing the truth of Jesus with them. By sharing himself and taking the time to let me share myself, he helped me grow in ways I am still discovering.
A few weeks ago, Greg passed away after more than a year of ups and downs with cancer. I still don't really know how to respond to all of what happened with him and his family. I guess this is my attempt to briefly remember a person who influenced and impacted my life more than I can say in a simple blog posting. For most of the few people that may read this, Greg is someone you did not know and will not have the pleasure of getting to know. My words don't begin to do him justice, but I just wanted to share that he has been on my heart and in my thoughts a lot lately. Rather than letting the overwhelming feelings of it all keep me in silence any longer, I just wanted to briefly share a bit about a great friend and mentor in my life.
Jamie and I lived in the Philippines for almost two and a half years. For many reasons that was a crazy and wonderful time in our lives. The greatest part of that experience though, was the people. About five days after we arrived in the Philippines, Greg Dowell came with his truck to help us move from one side of metro Manila ( where we were staying) to the other side (near our school). After loading our stuff into his truck, he offered to let me drive it up to Quezon City (where the school was). Now, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but we had barely recovered from jet lag and traffic in Manila is not anything like traffic here in the USA! Finally, he agreed to drive the truck, but after a lunch stop halfway through the city, he again offered and convinced me to drive. That was a terrifying trip for me the first time I drove in Manila traffic, but Greg seemed to be as calm as ever just chatting away with us.
That was my first experience with Greg Dowell, but I would eventually learn that that event displayed some of the characteristics that would shape our relationship after that as well. Greg was a person that continually encouraged me, and others around him, to step out and try things. Even if they were scary, and even if you were almost guaranteed to fail, he would encourage people to try. If something did end up failing or not working out like we expected or planned, Greg was always a person that would encourage us to try again without hesitation. In a place where just about everything was new and foreign to us, he helped us to face our hesitations and fears and experience life while often walking with us through those adventures.
I really got to know Greg a bit better when I took a class from him at the Graduate School we attended. Greg challenged me to think deeply about the issues we were studying, but he was never one to pressure people into a certain viewpoint. He challenged us, but allowed us room and time to grow and think and form our own opinions.
After we had lived in the Philippines for almost a year, Greg and his wife Stephanie invited us to live with them since we were looking for a place with a bit less pollution. We ended up living with them for almost a year and a half (longer than we have lived anywhere else in our married life). During that time, we got to know them and their three kids that were still living at home like family. But even then, it wasn't just a nice living arrangement. Greg was intentional about talking to me / us about the things that we were learning and thinking about and he included us in the work that they were involved in as well. In short, he not only opened his home to us, he opened his life to us. We would travel to the southern Philippines with him where he often sought our ideas, input, and participation in things that intimidated us and seemed so much bigger than us. Greg would also ask me to breakfast on Saturday mornings when he was available. We would both hop on our motorcycles and ride down the road to Tropical Hut, where we would sit and talk usually for a couple of hours while eating our beef tapa, rice, and eggs.
It's not just that Greg was available to me, it was that he invited me into relationship and encouraged me to take part in the things that he was doing as well. Greg impacted me and changed me not so much with profound words but with a life committed to loving others and sharing the truth of Jesus with them. By sharing himself and taking the time to let me share myself, he helped me grow in ways I am still discovering.
A few weeks ago, Greg passed away after more than a year of ups and downs with cancer. I still don't really know how to respond to all of what happened with him and his family. I guess this is my attempt to briefly remember a person who influenced and impacted my life more than I can say in a simple blog posting. For most of the few people that may read this, Greg is someone you did not know and will not have the pleasure of getting to know. My words don't begin to do him justice, but I just wanted to share that he has been on my heart and in my thoughts a lot lately. Rather than letting the overwhelming feelings of it all keep me in silence any longer, I just wanted to briefly share a bit about a great friend and mentor in my life.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Compassionate Natalie
Natalie is crazy! Crazy in an amusing and very good way. She is the most compassionate and sympathetic person I have ever known. True, she is a bit emotional and a bit dramatic with a lot of things, but she cares about others in such areal way it amazes me at only 18 months old.
Several weeks ago, my parents came to visit and my mom had a scrape on her leg that was healing up okay but was still very visible. When Natalie saw it, her face became concerned, she started to fake cry, and she kept saying "Nana, cape" - which means Nana has a scrape. Now that may not be too unusual, but every night before bed, we ask Natalie what she wants to pray for, and every night since then, she always wants to pray for Nana's scrape on her "yeg" (leg)!
Like I said, Natalie is a bit dramatic when she "bonks" or gets a scrape, but it is even worse if Jamie or I get hurt. About a week ago, I got a bad sunburn and it hurt to have Jamie put lotion on it. Natalie happened to witness the situation and she just broke down crying and saying "Daddy, owie". We have found that we have to hide it when we stub our toes, or accidentally smash our fingers, etc. other wise we spend several minutes comforting Natalie and assuring her that everything is OK!
The most touching one for me though, was the other day when we were leaving to go somewhere. She asked if she could bring her monkeys in the car for the ride. There are two monkeys that seem to be inseparable most of the time - a brown one and a pink one. We told her that we could take the pink one in the car but none of the other animals. She immediately got a very concerned look on her face, furrowed her brow, and walked over to the stroller where her brown monkey was. Then, in a very cute but heartbreaking voice, she looked at her brown monkey and said "Sowwy...sowwy" (Sorry) and walked over to the door with a very sad look on her face! That was the first time she has said "sorry" at all, and she was sensitive enough to think that splitting her monkeys apart might hurt the brown monkey's feelings.
I guess I am just amazed at how sensitive she is to other people (and stuffed animals) already. I think that God has given her a great deal of awareness and compassion for others. She just amazes me. May God continue to nurture and increase that gift and show her how to use it best for Him!
Several weeks ago, my parents came to visit and my mom had a scrape on her leg that was healing up okay but was still very visible. When Natalie saw it, her face became concerned, she started to fake cry, and she kept saying "Nana, cape" - which means Nana has a scrape. Now that may not be too unusual, but every night before bed, we ask Natalie what she wants to pray for, and every night since then, she always wants to pray for Nana's scrape on her "yeg" (leg)!
Like I said, Natalie is a bit dramatic when she "bonks" or gets a scrape, but it is even worse if Jamie or I get hurt. About a week ago, I got a bad sunburn and it hurt to have Jamie put lotion on it. Natalie happened to witness the situation and she just broke down crying and saying "Daddy, owie". We have found that we have to hide it when we stub our toes, or accidentally smash our fingers, etc. other wise we spend several minutes comforting Natalie and assuring her that everything is OK!
The most touching one for me though, was the other day when we were leaving to go somewhere. She asked if she could bring her monkeys in the car for the ride. There are two monkeys that seem to be inseparable most of the time - a brown one and a pink one. We told her that we could take the pink one in the car but none of the other animals. She immediately got a very concerned look on her face, furrowed her brow, and walked over to the stroller where her brown monkey was. Then, in a very cute but heartbreaking voice, she looked at her brown monkey and said "Sowwy...sowwy" (Sorry) and walked over to the door with a very sad look on her face! That was the first time she has said "sorry" at all, and she was sensitive enough to think that splitting her monkeys apart might hurt the brown monkey's feelings.
I guess I am just amazed at how sensitive she is to other people (and stuffed animals) already. I think that God has given her a great deal of awareness and compassion for others. She just amazes me. May God continue to nurture and increase that gift and show her how to use it best for Him!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I shall return
I realize that I have not blogged in a while. I will be honest – I have been overwhelmed with life and every time I start a blog, I seem to just end up sitting and staring at the computer while I process the things I am thinking about. In about two weeks time, we attended two weddings, and received news of two deaths. It has been turbulent emotionally. Anyway, I just thought that I would put this up and say that I will write again soon…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)